Missing My Girls

I'm here in a random hotel in Texas wishing I were home at the Clubhouse watching movies and laughing with my baby girls. I always wondered when I was young if my father missed me as much as I missed him when he went away on his millions of trips.

The answer is yes, of course he did. I remember thinking that going to far off cities for work was glamorous and fun. I know now that all you think about is looking at your daughters faces, hearing them laugh, and secretly checking on them while they sleep, long past the time you said you were going to bed.

Being the kind of mom I am is is always surprising. I didn't get my kids until late in life, but I know that I feel for them the type of love only a mother can. I know the world stops for them. That I'd give my everything to keep them safe.

Often times my girls will admonish me for being overprotective and telling them too much. They don't know how much I wish I could keep them safe with me always, stop their tears, clear up their confusion, and take away their hurt. They don't know that they see my secret face. The one I show only to them.

There is no place on earth I would rather be than home. I'll see you tomorrow girls.

Love,

Mommy

Don't Say a Word. Let Your Body Speak.

Lips slightly parted, relaxed and glistening from the dim light shining in the distance. You lean into me to tell me something of your heart and change your mind so instead, you repay me with a kiss on the cheek because of your sudden change of heart. Your eyes are piercing and yearning to be understood. Secretly they let me peek into your soul and see into you. Once you realize that your eyes are telling your secrets, you shyly look down to your hands. You muster the confidence to look into my eyes once more. A glance turns into a stare... But don't worry, I can keep your secrets. Our bodies speak a language that our words cannot comprehend. Something as simple as my nails running across your skin will send chills up your spine. Something.. as simple as a shy smile will be inviting enough for you to follow me into a place unknown to us. Our contours will grow accustomed to each other. It will be second nature to fall into a peaceful sleep in that position that will comfort and protect you--even if it's just my arm placed across your chest with your hand gently holding my wrist. We'll fit, like puzzle pieces. And when your eyes well up with tears, my hands will wipe your face before they get a chance to wet your shirt. When you look down to hide, my hand will lift your chin up because there's nothing to be afraid of. Release yourself in my embrace. Just, let me hold you when it hurts. Tonight close your eyes and rest your body. If you pay close attention, I will tell you all that you inquire without ever having to speak a word. If you are afraid to speak the words out of fear of judgment, guide me with your body. I want to show you because my words can fail. But this is something that you already know-- soul meets soul on lover's lips. Yes, you will find peace in this silence. Body language is louder than words sometimes.

I want you to wrap your hands around my body.

Take me to another place, let's get away from here. . .

Let me show you something brand new.

You Keep Me Together

Thank you daughter, thank you.

Casablanca Lilies.

Dear Mommy,

I was sitting here pondering in this dark room and I picked up my journal. Yes the one that comes with me everywhere just so that if I happen to be inspired or if I am too shy or ashamed to speak my words, I can write them down. I read through it again and I came across a little secret letter I wrote for you back in January-- the month that never existed in our world and I wanted to remind you, just in case you may have forgotten. . .

I think of you every time I go out to the bluff. I miss you. I go out there and inevitably I begin to reflect. I appreciate you. Tonight I thought about the time you sat with me out there on the bluff and we had a heart to heart. I can't help but reiterate my everlasting gratitude for you and the place you have in my heart. Way back when, I had nearly passed out because the last time I had eaten was god knows when... You sat me down outside of your classroom door and you handed me a bottle of water, an apple and crackers. You ordered me to EAT. I'm thankful for that day. Being in my position, it's hard to watch from a far when people burn you and are unappreciative of your natural being. Me being me, I just wanna take it all away and smack some sense into a select few... Unfortunately I cannot rob them of their life learning, but damn it, I wish they could see your priceless worth. I'll always be grateful for you.

-Forever, A.

I can see the humanity that holds you, the past that thrusts you forward, and the future that inspires you. You are beautiful Mommy because you never stop learning and you don't accept mediocrity. Even if you have to try it again, you rebuild yourself like your graceful phoenix. I know that you believe in me, even when I don't believe in myself. I know this all to be true because you loved me.