One Foot in Front of the Next, This is the Start of a Journey

Bizarre dreams have invaded my sleep, and seeing that I cannot control what I dream of, it must mean something. I've dreamt of someone I love dearly dying and it somewhat going unnoticed and I've dreamt of running away from god knows what, yet again. "If a friend dies then it may simply mean that the friendship has been allowed to die and is now not as important." THAT scares me. It actually means to me that nothing will really ever go counterclockwise to the good ol' times. It feels as if my conscious mind and subconscious mind are in a fierce battle between perception v. reality. The way I perceive things to be and how things actually are feel vastly different. In reality, people are fleeing from my sight, for reasons more than one. But the way I see it, is that I have lost control and let them slip away. It isn't really loss of control is it? I would like to believe that it's maybe fate, something that is uncontrollable. Truly, it's unbearable to think of, losing you, but somewhere in my heart I've seemed to make peace with that unsettling reality. This time, I can't fix it.

With new journeys beginning for us all, I think that I have unintentionally purposely glued my feet to the ground; not a step forward, not a step back. The sunrises quickly turn into sunsets and I can't hold onto a day long enough to realize that today really is yesterday. I squeezed my eyes real tight to see if what I was seeing was really true. I rubbed them til the blur went away. Seems like you swiftly left while things were still blurry. I think that the worst part of growing is growing apart. Growing out of shoe sizes and maybe even jeans I'm okay with. But growing out of who we used to be is a little uneasy. On the upside, reading has taken over. Love love love reading. Goes along with the chapters in my life, too. But it's okay, when one ends, another begins. Nice.

Running: Some people have said that in this arena, I'm a track star, always running to escape. It's uncomfortable to see that I'm being controlled by circumstances of another's will. I ran in my dream for hours, fighting against the truth the entire way down. It couldn't have been just a dream. Forever is a word that is unreachable. Though I can't touch it, love can. I love you, forever & ever babe.. Windy roads that our feet walk on, maybe this thing called fate will cross us once more. I'm going on, & I'll see you when you get there. I miss you already.

In my state of confusion, I'd like to adhere to a saying a beautiful soul likes to say: "There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer". It never fails. Anxious to find out why, I guess there is only one way that this question mark will transform into a finished sentence: with time & patience (both of which I hate!) Nevertheless, tomorrow is one step closer to that answer.

This could be one of those days when we must go our separate ways.. scared for you to be out of my sight, cuz you'll never know, you might..

Hmph.

I Didn't Tell You This Today But. .

Mom, I love you. Thanks for keeping me, in all aspects of the definition. 

Petite Colette will be awesome.

That's all I got.

PS- The food & hugs make a world of a difference.

1 2 3 4 Tell Me That You Love Me More

Popi surprised me to a FEIST concert :) I love him.

Common Senses

I stayed over there a few days ago, & the infamous turning in my stomach found it's way back home. She had a bruised face & arm & well, new teeth. Like the old school days, I lost track of time & soon enough the 2nd hour of the morning came & went. I felt like I was crushing from the inside out. So, I took a walk to retrieve some smokes & clear my head. I'm not sure if I'm learning how to deal with the absence or if I'm simply ignoring it all to make life easier. I can't tell.

We were talking about the things I would need for my dorm & things & she said that if I needed extra money that I could babysit. I assumed she was referring to my unborn niece or nephew but no. She was talking about her. No, read that again, she said that I could babysit her. In other words, she would pay me to spend time with her. I mean, she's desperate enough to pay me.. Wow, as if I don't feel like shit already. Thanks.

I don't know what kind of wall I've built to protect myself but oh how deceiving it is. I would like to believe that the big bad wolf can't blow it down but, with every mishap, I'm rebuilding it in the dark so that no one will ever notice it all fell apart. I keep rejecting her. But how come... Guess I've been worn out so much by her that I just keep the distance needed to make it bearable. I know she isn't fixed but can't I just be hopeful? But then again, where has hope gotten me when it comes to... her. I don't think that she'll ever just fix her mouth to say, "I love you, I miss you, won't you come home." We just don't speak the same language. 

I sat in the alley, at my old hiding place back when I was a bit too young for the habit & made an ash tray out of the lone stairs I sat on. Ellie always says that it's pathetic to see the desolate stranger crying on the bus stop. But hadn't I reached that place in my own weird little way? Based on my premises, it will always be distant, but not always this hard to deal. At least I hope so. All this thinking is inefficacious, just running circles around my head. . . There's anonymity to this feeling I encounter every time I look into her eyes. Common, but unexplainable.

Helper Girl & Errand Boy.

Like Father, Like Daughter.

When the Moon Fell in Love with the Sun, All was Golden in the Sky

I got on a bus with my best friend yesterday. This particular bus seemed to ride us in circles all around Sunset! We cursed that damn bus! Eh, still had a chill day, of course. We read so much now! I wonder why. . . Well so much more I should say. I bought a book, got redirected on buses yet again & ended up in K-Town. I mean really? Force field!? It doesn't matter where I'm going, where I end up: K-Town. Bizarre right? Anywho, I had a good night with some old beverly friends. It was fun. It felt so familiar but so new at the same time. It's been so long, & time changes people. I had some really enlightening midnight chats, well morning chats I should say. A familiar stranger & I had some things to mend apparently, but the night was great. Breakfast anyone. . ?

I think it's interesting for two people to have an obvious pull toward each other but have nothing in common. I mean, is common ground even necessary? Not that it's obvious to everyone, but just between you and the other person. Maybe it's a good thing. I like it when different people offer new views on the same world.

Do you believe that every connection, every circumstance that surfaces in life has a particular reason? Seems like it's this perpetual 1 step forward, 2 steps back. . My logic gets clouded with every setback with Miss U. I guess it's just some sort of ineluctable punishment. For what? I'm not really sure.. But it's a damn slap in the face by that wonderful thing we call reality! I danced the night away just to keep from falling. It felt good for once to not internalize the .. Well everything about her actually. She breaks my heart. She really does.. I want to forgive & forget you Miss U, I want to release you. . . But I can't. Every time some part of you shows up I get this turning in my stomach that I wish would go away. But that becomes normal when all is expected is the worst.

But no matter, the summer is peaceful and every moment is new. I smile everyday.

Just For Now.

All I want to do is listen to the cars zooming past me. Walk a million miles. Away. And smoke with book in hand. Let me go.

Possibly Maybe. .

There is one person on this earth that makes me want to do everything right. Makes me want to try. Odd. I know. I get these butterflies in my stomach whenever I talk to her. I get all smiley and anxious whenever we reconnect. I don't know why. . . It just is. An interlude on The Love Below rambles some about how she could be the prototype in Mr. 3000's life. How often do you get that feeling about your familiar stranger? Ehh, anyways. On to another train of thought.

Common Sense told me that what you did in the past you gotta live with today. . So naturally, you also must live with the choices that you neglected to make. During those intricate moments where passion upstages logic, the electricity that hastens through your chest becomes invincible. But the corollaries hang over head and may bring overcast skies. That choice could rain on your parade, but you never know, it could bloom a flower or two. .

Today I learned the many meanings of the name "Ari." In many languages, this name holds a plethora of definitions. .

Armenian: fearless or brave

Bengali: enemy

Greek: God of War

Hebrew: Lion [of God]

Icelandic: Eagle

Maori: clear or visible

Hindi: Sin

Japanese: An ant

Tagalog: Property

. . .What's this all mean to me? All in a day's work I could be clearly visible or feel as small as an ant. I could be your fearless enemy and reek havoc or a Lion of God. . . I could be your sin or your property.. Seems like I could break many paths. I'm not sure exactly which way I'm headed.

 Oh the possibilities.

Speeding Cars & Hourglasses.

I wore my sunnies today to hide my glassy eyes. I didn't wanna show her that I started to cry. But I knew that she had done the same. Every summer day that passes, the closer it gets to that day where we will all separate. We had the best and most unpredictable walk in the wee hours of the morning. It was needed and highly anticipated. We needed a release since that is what unwinds us.. We city roam. Randomly of course, we walked through the dark trees and wandered mindfully through the shadows and spotlights given by the glaring streetlights. The infrequent breeze we would feel from the speeding cars down the road frightened us but we never once felt afraid to be out at that hour. We laughed and I heard the echoes.. We tripped and walked into spiderwebs but couldn't help but laugh at each other. It was fulfilling actually. The hourglass is moving at a pace that is discomforting. Nevertheless, we will travel and gain new heights, new knowledge and gain new troubles, too. The only thing that reassures me is that when all the sand has slipped through time, I will be able to flip the hourglass over again, and we'll hang out as if we never missed a beat. I know that I will miss them terribly, I sorta already do. But the time apart will be fine. It'll actually be good for us, right? We are all at these crossroads in our lives and have decisions to make however hard, or painful they may be. I know we'd rather ignore them until the very last minute but in order to keep going, we've got to leap as my mom likes to say. I guess I am being a little vamba, okay a lot vamba but it's hard to have my sanity be separated across the country! Geez, gimme a break. Ick. The coffee's never strong enough.

One day, I believe the universe will give me the answers to all the unspoken questions I have roaming my head.. It may not ever be logical, but I know that they will serve its purpose. Last year, we discovered the balance, this year, the silver lining.. What'll next year be like?

Je t'aime mes soeurs.

Bridge To Terabithia. . .

We went to see Pony on her mountain. I had such a good timee! I loved the family time. I think that was the longest windy road in the history of mankind. I was a wee bit qweezy but no matter. I was close to Pony. We hiked, played football, basketball, softball! We had such a family trip. We made music haha, that was hilarious. We decided to name the mountain Texarkana: the motherland of palm trees & our orange juice.  There is no way in hell I could actually survive on a mountain in reality. What can I say? We City Folk! It was nice to sit and listen to the silence for a change. Except when it was nap time & somebody didn't let us sleep! (Pony!) Other than that, I enjoyed the silence. . We laid on the basketball court after dark & stared at the million stars up above. It was beautiful, being above the clouds and feeling within reach to absolutely everything. I envy her escape. But I'm glad she has it. Funny "ghost" stories from Daddy B & rolling down the hill with my sisters were priceless. What was even more priceless was the family photo in the middle of NOWHERE! Good times.. When we were hiking Daddy B thought that the petrified trees from the fires were cool and were irrisistably beautiful and somewhat calming. I can tell because he looked so mesmerized by their exquisiteness. I thought they almost resembled me & my sisters' untypical stories; petrified but beautiful. I can't wait until the next trip to see my sister.

I know I'm still lost in this huge universe, but at least I'm not all by myself..

Go Familia!