Sweet Dreams.

I miss my Nush. I'm on the phone with her right now & it's like 11:30 LA time but she's still awake! I swear she's still on LA time. Today was pretty rediculous. I couldn't get out of bed until like 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I woke up at 12 to have Iggy's then went back to sleep. I went to Starbucks with some friends and studied for like 4 1/2 hours! That's what I get for slacking on the fucking Anatomy. Ugh.

NyQuil Bitches.

Just One Second.

Most of my day was spent in my bed. I couldn't really sleep last night because I constantly kept waking up and getting up. I tried my best to just chill for once since my body got fed up with me and gave me no choice but to stay in the bed. I guess I deserved it. So, last night my father took me to dinner and we talked about the old days and how we really can't remember a thing about it. It's so murky and clouded. Somehow, I think that we trained ourselves to forget it all. I can barely recollect Miss U ever physically being there, although I know she was. I know that I was always fed, the house was always cleaned, and my room was always cleaned too. But it seemed like more of a glance of her than anything else. Then oddly enough, I yearned for her invisible presence for years. Strange.

I was sick tonight but my "altered plans" ended up alright. So instead of the initial plans, he cooked & we had good conversation and watched the debates. Yes, the debates. Over a cup of hot tea, we talked about lots of things. It was nice.

I wish that time would stand still, is this apart of a film? We could watch the clip all day. Like a portrait of you and I.

Why not take this chance and come fly with me. . .

Always Between the Lines

She's proud of me. I paste this fake smile on my face to cover the confusion that statement brings. For the most part, I think that she is delusional, but in fact she did have something to do with creating me. . Our minds cannot be completely trusted because we have this human tendency to perceive things as they aren't and fabricate the truth a little bit with our own reality. Well I mean, pride is something worth while, but when it feels like someone who is borderline vicariously-living-through-her-kids, it gets a little bit harder to breathe, no? She's been judged for the mistakes and the misconceptions of the real picture, but what about the years that I miraculously erased from my memory? The ones that included her.. Today was her birthday. Well, technically yesterday. I hope nothing but tranquility for her from here on out. I hope that she'll be a faithful grandmother. I see it as her getting a whole new chance to get it right for another little girl. I was raised by my grandmother so let's hope that she picks up on that too. I know that just in making that statement I'm expecting something that has an illusory correlation; it doesn't exist, but I'd like to hope so. My memory is cruel, queen of attention to detail. defending intentions if [s]he fails. But I love her still.

Just because I have reached new heights doesn't mean that I have let go of my track shoes. I'm still running. I would like to leave certain things behind me, like today for instance. But, I can't seem to because the tension in my shoulders and in my jaw are reminding me that I had a stressful day. It even feels like I sleep with furrowed brows, like I'm having a bad dream or something. I have to remind myself to relax every now and again. Pathetic.

I Found the Silence Amongst All of the Sound

I rediscovered how dependent I am on music. Not only do I write, sleep, eat, and exist with an endless play list on, but my mood coincides with the lyrics and melody, too. I wrote a paper today, an Early Morning Socrates one actually, on how a particular song had much to do with the positive choices that I made in due time. I enjoyed it. It helped me regain conscienceness again during my seemingly endless days. I've been all m.i.a. on everyone as of late. I like that too. Something about the seclusion of my headphones bring me security. I'm not feeling too stable right now, so somehow it brings me stability. Weird? I dunno. Anyways. .

I'm trying not to freak out. Tests tests tests. Why won't they all go away!? Funny thing is, I actually do have the choice to just not get out of bed, but that wouldn't be too wise. Today I studied for hours. I learned that I have been more influenced by my peers than my parents; not a big surprise but it also said that parents should be given less credit for kids who turn out great and blamed less for kids who don't. Lots of things are inherited but not the decisions that we ultimately make. In reading about adoption studies, it's interesting that the adoptee's traits bear mores similarities to their biological parents than to their caregiving adoptive parents but they will have more similar religious beliefs to their adoptive parents. So, morality can be taught, but innately we are--no matter what--linked to the ones that birthed us, whether we knew them or not. An adopted child will be biologically similar in personality traits with their parents but believe the things that were taught to them by their actual caregivers. I guess I just think that it's fascinating that the actual parents of an adopted child and the caregivers can be completely different, but still be interconnected and have some credibility in raising this child together. I have no clue if any of what I am saying is making sense! I am learning new things but I am definitely sleep deprived.

I observed all of the constant movement and activity in my day with it all on mute. Well, I just had on a different soundtrack and watched the lips move and imagined the sound of the click clacking of heels and the sounds the long boards make when weaving through traffic. It was oddly fulfilling.

I Feel Like That Pink Elephant with Purple Pokadots That You Are Trying Not to Think About Right Now: Out of Place

I absolutely feel overwhelmed. It isn't that I am not doing the work, it just has the tendency to pile up and pile up every time I blink. Everyone knows I hate being stressed out. I get frantic and all sorts of things. I just don't want to get there. I rarely have time for a breather and once I get it, I'm sad that it is already leaving me. I'm in a place that is different from me in values and morality. It gets slightly uncomfortable but I take it as something that can teach me to continuously open my eyes to the things that are different from me and to continue to be receptive of these differences. I won't deny it, sometimes I just wanna throw things. It gets me all twitchy when people are stupid and don't have reasons for their beliefs. Like that one teacher says, "If there are no premises that support this so-called argument, than it isn't valid!" I guess I am learning something, ha. I like being different here though. It makes me want to be even more eccentric. And as of now, I am okay with being the crazy-political-chick-that-likes-to-read-all-day.

Seeing the fundamental differences within all of us gives me hope though. I have this sort of weird trust in it all. It feels like no matter the difference, it's still possible to coexist. Coexistence is the ultimate goal right. . . ?

Well, I am off to fulfill my new found name. Good Night.

Seriously?!

So within the past 10 hours I have been locked out of my room TWICE! What the fuck! Last night, okay yeah, it was funny. Thanks to trusty ol' P Safe we were locked out for an hour and a half. That's amusing. We had intent to actually do our work now that we came home from dinner. This morning, not so much. Being locked out in a god damn towel is never fun. Wet hair and everything. The whole shebang. This is not my day. Oh wait, it just started! Fuck!