Those Who Are Dead, Are Not Dead They're Just Living in My Head..

I was cleaning through my junk drawers the other day, and I found a note from my late teacher Mr. Price. . . It just simply said "Please send _[the kid]_ to me. Mr. Price."   Underneath his signature there's a grease stain in the shape of a heart. I really wish that we could turn back the hands of time. God how dearly do I miss him. . It would have really meant the world to me if he would have seen me cross stage. If I saw him right now I would hold onto him and never let him go. I remember the day I met him and I told him that I wanted to be a Life Coach when I grew up. He had a look of amazement on his face and asked if I knew what that was. He showed the class on the overhead the many occupations he had in his day and Life Coach was on the list. I don't know if these are tears of joy because of all the things you have instilled in me, or tears of sorrow because I miss you. I still think that it was unfair but I guess the bigger picture keeps me sane. But no matter, I miss you. I think you'd be proud to know that I'm still ambitious to discover life. . .

Summer Daze

So, I miss my other half & for some odd reason I've been missing her phone calls. What the hell is that? Girls Night Out was fun! Went to the Arena last night where there were so many more gorgeous guys there than there were girls. Sucked because they were all gay! When the entire club is filled with gay boys that look wayy better than all the girls in there, there's a problem. I'm jes sayin.. All in all, we had fun dancing the night away. . .

I went to the BET Awards the other night and it was such a waste of time! I mean, really, it was bad dress after bad dress, weaves with seams and no parts! I mean really? Who does that? Ghetto in every way possible. No one really cares if you can't hear from the THIRD BALCONY so don't scream at LL Cool J like he can do anything! Really?? So we decided to leave early because we couldn't sit through it. Funny thing is, we sat in the hot sun waiting in line to get in longer than we stayed! Hahaa! We had the greatest quesadillas to make up for lost time, that was good. OH, I had another realization while people watching at the bad BET Awards: FEED ME! I saw so many skinny bitches that put me to shame. So, this summer is dedicated to . . eating. I had chocolate chocolate cake & milk in the wee hours of the morning. I'm so ready. That ass'll be shakin' in no time! Hahahaa!

I can't wait to see my Pony! I miss you!! I miss you so muchh! Can you believe that I was "home sick" at orientation?? Well technically not home sick, but pretty bummed out because you & Ellie weren't with me. . When they asked me about myself I actually started talking about you and Elle. Weird . . Oh, Pony, I think I'll join the surf team at my school just so that I can compete against your school. Ha, sounds like a plan!

Eeek! Can't wait to see you. In K-Town there is this VW bug and the license plate reads "DA KID" I think. . that it's meant for me. I really do. That made me smile overtime. Aah, time to eat again. . .

4:48 am

Moment of Clarity.

Nuno & Crow

I had the absolute best night of my life with Mr. LoveHates. I've missed him and I'm super happy right now. We went to the promenade with the Great Z & Cam. My love & I met the greatest people on earth: Nuno & Crow. Hints the title of the blog. This is devoted to them. We began talking because, of course, cigarettes bring people together. Nuno read me these two pages torn from a book explaining how school is the worst place for children. (Sorry Mom.) It made sense. In school a child learns of all his insecurities and that all he is curious about is bad. He learns what limits are and through his programmed thinking loses faith in himself. 

Yeah, I know.

I couldnt resist the contact we made with our eyes. It felt like eternity, as if I lived there. We saw the moon tonight. Intensely. & Mercury too. Pure euphoria when I'm with him. The LoveHates Crew love me. They are some really fucking cool guys. Made Rey's day coming to visit him at work. This summer is definitely the best one. Because as soon as he hit Somerset his summer was set...

Thrashed. Indeed.

Go Lions!

So, I had orientation at my school for the past 2 days! Yay! I loved it. So I have FOUR theatre classes, yes four. Crazy right!? Aahh, I love it. All my classes seem really awesome and I can't wait to start school. I met some really cool people and learned some great things about my school. I am so tired though! It was the longest two days of life! So the theatre geeks that I met were chill I guess. This one girl I met looked like Daisy Buchanan to me! She was nice. My advisor is awesome. I have a really good feeling about my new place. Lots of new faces, new life really. Oh, and I definitely officially hate my name. I heard it so fucking much! Agh. I'm really psyched for school though. It's so many things running through my head right now.. Ready, set, don't go...

Cold Summers!?

Aaah.. I'm sick! It seems like the moment Pony left, we all got sick! Separation anxiety? It's my official first weekend of SUMMER and I am sick! Who does that? At least I don't sound too much like a fat kid anymore.. Getting my old voice back. Yay me...

California Dreamin. . .

So, today was some sort of family trip. It was planned but I totally forgot all about it. Apparently, Lake Havasu isn't even in California! It's it Arizona everyone.. I know, right? So, sadly I didn't get a chance to see my Other Half off to camp today, but at least I get to keep Sounnie while she's away. Doesn't make up for it but WHATEVER.

I had so much fun today! The best part was, I had both of my little sisters with me today :) That like never happens. Had no type of connection to the world. No electronics i.e. cell phones, ipods.. It was great. Cell phone detox was needed in my life. We learned how to water ski today, pretty fucking awesome. Okay, clearly Arizona is not the place to live! It's so fucking hot out there! It was already 104 degrees at 9 o'clock in the morning. Every time we jumped in the water, minutes later we would be completely dry. Oh, and yes I was in a bathing suit today. Really, it's true. Eek. Apparently, I have to have one anyway. I don't really like em, but I'll get over it. I love the lake. Weird right?

So, I'm pretty bummed that Pony will be away for so long.. Eeh..

Where oh, where is Mr. LoveHates?! Off doing things without his girlfriend ehh...? Summer is here!! Yess! Time to sneak away...

Finalement! Fini!

So, guess what. WE GRADUATED! FINALLY gawwd! It's OVER. Well, high school is anyways. So, graduation was actually really fun. It was nice & not that long. Tomato Face didn't keep us there for 2 days sheesh. And while he announced the Chris Price Scholarships he said Pony's first name, continued to speak about SOMETHING ELSE, then said her last name & continued... (wait for it...) WHO DOES THAT?! Eck.. I became my sisters' biggest fan when they got the CP Scholorship. Elle & I thought it was cute that Pony stood up like she won an Oscar when she got that award. Elle was all "athletic." Her reaction was so typical soccer "GO TEAM! YEAH!" Translation: "Yay I got the award!"

So my mom was totally Vamba when we gave her the great graduation gift :) She actually thought that it was an empty photo album, then got all vamba when she saw the pictures inside. It was perfect. It was SOOO worth it! We definitely went through A LOT trying to get that damn album together!!! & ready for her by graduation! SHEEEESH!! Good times, good times.. Even before we gave her the gift she was all vamba because we were graduating!! I must admit... I was vamba-ish too. (gawd i use this word a lot!) When I saw Miss Unforgivable, & the rest of my frenchiee family I was soo happy. Miss Unforgivable & Forever TwentyOne had that proud parent moment (true vomit) but it was nice, i guess. It was thee funniest thing in the world when Guardian Angel & I saw all of Forever TwentyOne's women. We said it could have been a whole sundae if all of them showed up. His x girlfriend came!! & pregnant! WHAT a surprise! So "T" (we'll leave it at that) was the bowl shaped cone, Miss U was the banana split, "H" would have been the ice cream, the pregnant x was the whip cream & "Pita" would have been the cherry on top!! Hahaha too many damn code names! But you get the point!

Aaah back to that awesome gift my sisters & I gave to Super Woman. Aaah, just basking in the moment.. yes. hahaa, I'm just really happy she loved it. It could have gone two ways: either she could love it, or think it was really freakish haaaha. Glad it went the first way. Those damn pictures are me & Ellie's pride & joy!! Really?? BUFFING?? Who does that!? Ok, moment's over.

Time & Space.

The school year has ended. Graduation is Thursday and I'm a little excited about it! Wow, it's really here and I really will be separated from my sisters. All three of us are going to different schools! Damn I'm gonna really miss them. Elle will be across the nation & Pony will be only about an hour away from me. But it's crazy. How do you go from seeing someone everyday to .. like not at all!? I sure as hell am glad that this year is over! It's been thee most chaotic year ever. So many things happened this year, and dammit shit still hasn't slowed down! I need time to take a breath but Life isn't letting me! I just can't imagine going a day without the Girls. They make everyday more exciting and happy. I'm already having a hard enough time accepting that my bestie is going away on Saturday to San Diego! She wont be back until fucking August!! I mean who does that?! Sure Pony, I'm going to France for a little while a teeeny weeny bit of time. BUT I will be able to contact you!!

51/50

Sitting in my bed at around midnight, my best friend and I start to reflect the relationships that have bloomed & disintegrated with our mothers, While she tried to explain the urgency in mending a broken, but seemingly unfixable relationship with my birth mother, I tried to figure out why all the signs pointed to my birth mom dying before hers. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that she was stolen from her & mine.. Well mine.. I guess when you look at the situation, Mrs. SI was diligent when it came to her responsibilities and her health. Miss Unforgivable never found the time or saw the importance in it. Not enough anyway. She never will experience the unbearable pain that I feel when I look into her eyes & she doesn't know who I am. She doesn't even remotely, vaguely have a clue. Is it ironic that Miss U loses her memory after the seizures? Is it irony? Something allows this.. I'm just not sure of the reasoning just yet, or if there even is a logical answer. The differences between the relationships that we have with our mothers are tremendously different. She wants me to tell her how I feel while this moment lasts.. I feel like it's not only my moment, but Miss Unforgivable's moment too. I understand where she stands in my life.. She is no Super Woman to me.. Not even close. Though it would be nice to have a little bit of normalcy with Miss U, I'm not betting on it. My heart hurts tremendously for my Other Half. I wish it hadn't of been her to go through this. I know we can't see the silver lining yet, but it's coming. I'm too hopeful for it not to come.. When I imagine if her cards had been dealt to me, I don't think that I would exert half as much strength as she is right now.. I would regret every moment that hadn't been the way I wish it always could have been. I feel that way now actually.. I guess we will have to accept the reality that Miss U hasn't yet learned the lesson life has to teach her yet. She still has some growing up to do. The anger, the disdain that i felt towards her has melted almost completely away.. It's beginning to be replaced with the feeling of pure sadness and helplessness.. I really wish sometimes that she could have taken better care of herself. Then maybe, just maybe she could have raised me to be a good woman. But those chances are slim to none. I try so hard to face the fact that I wish things could have been better. I try, but that unnaturally filled void reminds me that I am raised by Super Woman.. A woman that practically saved me from continuing a bottomless cycle that haunts me.It shies me away from the great gifts women bring into this world. I'm so afraid of messing up,I reject it all together. I wish I didn't give Miss U so much credit over my unlived future.. It's just such a visible, almost tangible possibility.

Extra Pants Party!

I haven't blogged in two days.. Why do i feel like there's something wrong with that picture?? Am I addicted? Anywho..

Yesterday was awesome, as every other day with my best friends always ends up being. Elle and I kidnapped the Pony again! & it worked. Morning didn't start off as planned but it finished beautifully. The only sad part of the day definitely was the 10 point lost in the Celtics v. Lakers game. It was a great regular ol' Guys Night Out with the girls though. We were definitely Guys with Girl parts last night, & we rubbed some dirt on it too! We went to Hooters & watched the game & cursed at the screen just like men. In fact, all of the men surrounding us laughed at us because of our intensity. Elle said that we Pony & I turned into men right before her eyes. She was just as dainty as can be. Out of all nights, she goes to the bathroom to clean her nails during a very important game!! During halftime while we were outside smoking, she asks about the business hours of a nail salon!! I mean who does that?! Ahhh, I'm calm now.. I just had to release the rage.

After the tragic basketball game at Hooters that we will no longer speak of, we decided to connect back to our feminine side and run daintily on the shores of the beach. It was totally fulfilling, & kind of a release for the two of us.. We needed to wash away a few of our worries in the shore.. Even though we almost got arrested for public sexiness for stripping to her skinnies... Well Pony did. She couldn't figure out why I told her that she should pack an extra pair of pants because I couldn't tell her the secret place that we were taking her. I knew that she'd wanna go in the ocean.. So it all worked out perfectly. Then we cured the sweet tooth with an overly expensive churro. Fucking $2.75. Kinda depressing but still delicious.

Came home.. The night began.. & so did a new chapter in our lives.. Some things have ended. A few immaturely, but the newness of life is dawning upon us..

The Adventures Continue!

So today was yet another adventure with my sisters. We went to 6 flags :D it was really fun. Cakes brought his girlfriend. My god, he is so cute! His gf, a little boyish but really nice. SO the first ride of the day was X2 it was amazing! I swear my eyebrows were singed off by the flames that blew out at us! It was such an awesome day! I seemed to have cursed out just about everything walking. WHY? Because stupid 6 flags are trying to have these rules of no profanity, no line cutting, & no smoking! That's my life! Of course i found the "smoking sections" of the park haha. I found 3 actually. Weird.. The 2n best roller coaster was Tatsu. Go on, ask me how it was.. It was soo funny because Pony was screaming hysterically! All I could do was laugh silently along with Elle's huge laughter. Pony & I kept beating the shit out of Elle today for some odd reason.. I don't really know why. She got some good ones in on us too! Hahah oooh, the countless little green clouds. That damn Panda I suppose...

I swear we grow old by the minute! We didn't even wanna stay until 6 o'clock. It was about 4 when we were complaining about how we wished the day could be over! We were so fucking delirious its not even funny. So tomorrow will be adventurous again :) Kidnapping the Pony is so fun! Hopefully we have enough stamina to get through the day lol. So the no pants party must be postponed until a later date. But its cool, we'll still find ways to have crazy fun. My besties are the greatest.

Against All Odds. .

As long as I could remember, I've longed for a woman to show me how to exemplify greatness, to get up after falling, and most of all, a woman to show her love by her presence. Simply, her presence. Indeed, Super Woman has embraced 3 little women to bandage our wounds, to wipe our faces, and to keep us going. Some people say that blood is thicker than water. But the buckets of tears that we've cried together and for one another have really proven that belief false.. At least in my life that is.. She leaped into motherhood blindfolded. And when she reached, we all grabbed back.. Since then she hasn't let us go. I no longer feel without. I no longer feel like the black sheep. None of that exists anymore. Somehow, all of our puzzle pieces fit. .

Mike the Poet sure would be proud..

So Elle and I decided to kidnap Pony & show her the streets of LA. We took her to Hollywood, then Little Tokyo & then Melrose, also known as Locations 1, 2 & 3. It was so worth it to see that smile plastered on her face the whole day. First off we went back to that onee building on 57th street to drop off the libros & bring SuperWoman her coffee. Liebe ended up cancelling her plans with Mr. Big & stayed with us :D! We took buses & the subway & ran into some really crazy old guys. Most of them wanted to follow us.. Pretty fucking creepy.

So when we were in route on the bus, me & Pony kept noticing the SAME things at the SAME time it was soo hilarious! We kept saying omg did you see that!? We just burst into laughter. We took her down to Hollywood where she stared at the stars & looked like a tourist. It was classic. When we were there, we saw a dead homeless guy lying on the sidewalk. We figured he was dead because there were a few flies around his face & his arms were swollen & it didn't look like he was breathing at all.. Ehh.. Anyways, we went to see if my tattoo artist was in the shop but one of the guys that I had seen there when I got my tattoo said that he didnt work there anymore. He woulnt tell me why because his mother always told him that if he didnt have anything nice to say about a person then not to say anything at all. There goes my free touch up! Dammit Randy! Why'd ya do it! When we got to the subway, Pony was so happy. Everything was so brand new. We went all the way to Little Tokyo to see the infamous Girl With Boy Parts. It was soo good to see her. The entire day was filled with laughter. She is the funniest woman alive, & nooww she's the freakin manager of our band! Girls With Boy Parts coming to a city near youu! YES YOU!

Location #3 was Johnny Rockets on Melrose. It was great. We tried fucking with SuperWoman & it worked for a while haha. But then she said we gave her an ulcer from worrying too much about us. Aahh the City of LA, I do love it. There are still many places to see & experience with the besties. I think today was the best day we've had in a really long time. & dammit we deserved it! We were alive in Los Angeles!!! Omg, I cant wait to have our no pants party! LMAO. Initiation of the Roomie is in full effect!! Thursday Bitches! (I know this sounds super dirty but it's really innocent I SWEAR!)

Today was great.I so love my girls.. Somehow.. I think we have found the silver lining..

[When] Heaven & Hell decide that they both are satisfied.. & illuminate the [NO`s] on their vacancy signs..

So i can't even try to sum up the day into a nice simplistic sentence. Beautiful & heartwrenching all at once. Today was that memorable day that everyone just wanted to get through as quickly as possible. Im so proud of Pony.. She's admirable to me. & indescribably admirable. It MUST be a big deal because I normally am good with the descriptive words! I think that my awkward, crazy, lovable family is amazing. Though most of us, we got affirmed today, that we will be living in apartments in Hell. Clearly we all are gonna burn in Hell because we are purely sin-sational! We thought about turning Hell into a spa. . with a sauna, & everything! hahaa. (please remind me to N E V E R sit in front of... a "virtuous woman lawd")

On top of all the amplified emotions the morning started coffee-less & our stomachs started eating themselves alive. We had a wonderful fieldtrip to popeyes & starbucks. Its crazy because we still had to put on earmuffs & hum while the grownups talked shit. (even though we are graduating & clearly not coming back!) Haha . Car rides filled with talks about collared greens biscuits & the infamous, apparently nonexistent popcorn chicken.

We laugh, we cry, we grow.. together. ..

Tomorrow is highly anticipated. Time with my Pony & Elle. Maybe a smidge of my Vamba Face Mommy & maybe even a little bit of Mr.LoveHates :P

NyQuil Bitches.

I'm smart. You're dumb. I'm big. You're little. I'm right. You're wrong. And there's nothin' you can do about it.

The title is definitely perfect for what just happened when i came home. Does anyone have a clue what movie it's from? It's crazy when your reactionary emotions feel so paralyzed and there's no way of even redeeming yourself from the regretted silence. Try coming home to someone completely yelling at you and being soo unprepared for it that it's like you forgot how it feels to speak. Maybe things could have worked out differently today but the fact is that it didnt. All the possibilities. I havent ever felt so content when someone has had complete hostility toward me. The only thing I keep thinking is "What the fuck? Wow, ok. Nice to see you too. How was your day today?" I think the nonchalant attitude is making someeonee have an aneurysm.. Oh well who gives a fuck. Mr. LoveHates is running laps around my mind & I couldn't have another care in the world. Overall, the day was some sort of hidden realization.. Take your time, don't do what seems like should be the next step.. My day was perfect. Even despite the bumps in the road. I didnt realize until now that they were just speed bumps reassuring me that all good things dont have to be rushed all into one day. Somehow, everything's gonna fall right into place. If we only had a way to make it all.. fall faster everyday.. I know this is gonna sound so cliché but I really feel like a little girl stuck in an adult world. & everytime i try and grow up, i just mock what's in front of me & go through the same headaches & heartaches as the "role models" right in front of me.. Eck. enough with the sad "I wish I had a different life" bullshit. I'm chill because Mr. LoveHates took me to see Sex & the City today (even though he hated the idea of it, but loved the movie) & treated me to sushi :P We felt like it was a sushi kind of day. The moral of the movie so elegantly coincided with my actual day too. We'll just call it a lesson learned.. Ugh, such a long day tomorrow..