Some Words That I Have Come Across. . .

The Way I See It #198

You can shower a child with presents or money, but what do they really mean, compared to the most valuable gift of all - your time? Vacations and special events are nice, but so often the best moments are the spontaneous ones. Being there. Every Moment you spend with your child could be the one that really matters.

--Tim Russert

And I always thought: the very simplest words must be enough. When I say what things are like Everyone's heart must be torn to shreds. That you'll go down if you don't stand up for yourself. Surely you see that.

--Bertolt Brecht (1956)

Home Is Where Your Heart Is

Today was one hell of a fucking day. I've been home 3 days this week, I guess I just can't handle it all. We all are actually feeling the air getting thinner. I slept only a few hours and clearly I was running on E. It's all so unforgiving. I just re-appreciated all of the little things today. In lew of all of my latest stress, it's all very comforting. I just wanna close my eyes & not open them until it's all better. It's all so much, so so much all at once. I fucking hate the stress. The first instinct I had when I got scared was to leave this place and go there. Is that signified as running? Not if I found refuge right? Well DB says home is where you heart is. . .

So my evening ended off fabulously. My sister is here! We obviously can't coexist under the same roof but to invade each other's space every now and then is blissful. I've missed her. She's missed me too.

The day was gloomy. It shed little rain from the whitewashed skies. I loved the smell of the asphalt after the rain. But the recognition of all things other than sadness truly fleeted with the cold winds. I'm sick of hoping in vain. It just hurts too much.

So are you homeless when your heart remains cold. . . ?

Sweet Dreams.

I miss my Nush. I'm on the phone with her right now & it's like 11:30 LA time but she's still awake! I swear she's still on LA time. Today was pretty rediculous. I couldn't get out of bed until like 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I woke up at 12 to have Iggy's then went back to sleep. I went to Starbucks with some friends and studied for like 4 1/2 hours! That's what I get for slacking on the fucking Anatomy. Ugh.

NyQuil Bitches.

Just One Second.

Most of my day was spent in my bed. I couldn't really sleep last night because I constantly kept waking up and getting up. I tried my best to just chill for once since my body got fed up with me and gave me no choice but to stay in the bed. I guess I deserved it. So, last night my father took me to dinner and we talked about the old days and how we really can't remember a thing about it. It's so murky and clouded. Somehow, I think that we trained ourselves to forget it all. I can barely recollect Miss U ever physically being there, although I know she was. I know that I was always fed, the house was always cleaned, and my room was always cleaned too. But it seemed like more of a glance of her than anything else. Then oddly enough, I yearned for her invisible presence for years. Strange.

I was sick tonight but my "altered plans" ended up alright. So instead of the initial plans, he cooked & we had good conversation and watched the debates. Yes, the debates. Over a cup of hot tea, we talked about lots of things. It was nice.

I wish that time would stand still, is this apart of a film? We could watch the clip all day. Like a portrait of you and I.

Why not take this chance and come fly with me. . .

Always Between the Lines

She's proud of me. I paste this fake smile on my face to cover the confusion that statement brings. For the most part, I think that she is delusional, but in fact she did have something to do with creating me. . Our minds cannot be completely trusted because we have this human tendency to perceive things as they aren't and fabricate the truth a little bit with our own reality. Well I mean, pride is something worth while, but when it feels like someone who is borderline vicariously-living-through-her-kids, it gets a little bit harder to breathe, no? She's been judged for the mistakes and the misconceptions of the real picture, but what about the years that I miraculously erased from my memory? The ones that included her.. Today was her birthday. Well, technically yesterday. I hope nothing but tranquility for her from here on out. I hope that she'll be a faithful grandmother. I see it as her getting a whole new chance to get it right for another little girl. I was raised by my grandmother so let's hope that she picks up on that too. I know that just in making that statement I'm expecting something that has an illusory correlation; it doesn't exist, but I'd like to hope so. My memory is cruel, queen of attention to detail. defending intentions if [s]he fails. But I love her still.

Just because I have reached new heights doesn't mean that I have let go of my track shoes. I'm still running. I would like to leave certain things behind me, like today for instance. But, I can't seem to because the tension in my shoulders and in my jaw are reminding me that I had a stressful day. It even feels like I sleep with furrowed brows, like I'm having a bad dream or something. I have to remind myself to relax every now and again. Pathetic.

I Found the Silence Amongst All of the Sound

I rediscovered how dependent I am on music. Not only do I write, sleep, eat, and exist with an endless play list on, but my mood coincides with the lyrics and melody, too. I wrote a paper today, an Early Morning Socrates one actually, on how a particular song had much to do with the positive choices that I made in due time. I enjoyed it. It helped me regain conscienceness again during my seemingly endless days. I've been all m.i.a. on everyone as of late. I like that too. Something about the seclusion of my headphones bring me security. I'm not feeling too stable right now, so somehow it brings me stability. Weird? I dunno. Anyways. .

I'm trying not to freak out. Tests tests tests. Why won't they all go away!? Funny thing is, I actually do have the choice to just not get out of bed, but that wouldn't be too wise. Today I studied for hours. I learned that I have been more influenced by my peers than my parents; not a big surprise but it also said that parents should be given less credit for kids who turn out great and blamed less for kids who don't. Lots of things are inherited but not the decisions that we ultimately make. In reading about adoption studies, it's interesting that the adoptee's traits bear mores similarities to their biological parents than to their caregiving adoptive parents but they will have more similar religious beliefs to their adoptive parents. So, morality can be taught, but innately we are--no matter what--linked to the ones that birthed us, whether we knew them or not. An adopted child will be biologically similar in personality traits with their parents but believe the things that were taught to them by their actual caregivers. I guess I just think that it's fascinating that the actual parents of an adopted child and the caregivers can be completely different, but still be interconnected and have some credibility in raising this child together. I have no clue if any of what I am saying is making sense! I am learning new things but I am definitely sleep deprived.

I observed all of the constant movement and activity in my day with it all on mute. Well, I just had on a different soundtrack and watched the lips move and imagined the sound of the click clacking of heels and the sounds the long boards make when weaving through traffic. It was oddly fulfilling.

I Feel Like That Pink Elephant with Purple Pokadots That You Are Trying Not to Think About Right Now: Out of Place

I absolutely feel overwhelmed. It isn't that I am not doing the work, it just has the tendency to pile up and pile up every time I blink. Everyone knows I hate being stressed out. I get frantic and all sorts of things. I just don't want to get there. I rarely have time for a breather and once I get it, I'm sad that it is already leaving me. I'm in a place that is different from me in values and morality. It gets slightly uncomfortable but I take it as something that can teach me to continuously open my eyes to the things that are different from me and to continue to be receptive of these differences. I won't deny it, sometimes I just wanna throw things. It gets me all twitchy when people are stupid and don't have reasons for their beliefs. Like that one teacher says, "If there are no premises that support this so-called argument, than it isn't valid!" I guess I am learning something, ha. I like being different here though. It makes me want to be even more eccentric. And as of now, I am okay with being the crazy-political-chick-that-likes-to-read-all-day.

Seeing the fundamental differences within all of us gives me hope though. I have this sort of weird trust in it all. It feels like no matter the difference, it's still possible to coexist. Coexistence is the ultimate goal right. . . ?

Well, I am off to fulfill my new found name. Good Night.

Seriously?!

So within the past 10 hours I have been locked out of my room TWICE! What the fuck! Last night, okay yeah, it was funny. Thanks to trusty ol' P Safe we were locked out for an hour and a half. That's amusing. We had intent to actually do our work now that we came home from dinner. This morning, not so much. Being locked out in a god damn towel is never fun. Wet hair and everything. The whole shebang. This is not my day. Oh wait, it just started! Fuck!

Nostalgia.

So the first week is done. Finally. It's been a bit overwhelming for me & I won't deny it, I miss the way it used to be. But nonetheless, I have awesome girls on my floor & everything is lovely. I'm back home in the very missed K-Town with no Nush. I'm starting to miss the little things about my K-Town living. . .

I went pee today and my god it felt nice to be in a bathroom all by myself. Weird, no? I had a cigarette with my lovely mother & when she went inside I realized that Nush wasn't behind me. I'm just a sad little girl as of late. Not sad because things are bad, but sad because things are greatly missed. Anyways. . .

My Superwoman & Daddy B spoiled me & I actually was ecstatic to even see Ritzy & the pool in the Catalina Tropics. Ma gave me a coffee maker (loveeee it!) & the phone. I had jambalaya that was absolutely delicious & damn near half a pie for dessert. Spoiled much? Yes, but so what!

For some odd reason, amongst my girls on my floor, we had a talk about all sorts of things that rowled up emotions that I didn't even know still existed. It felt weird: I was in a place with practically strangers, then became sad & unable to cope. I'm surprised I didn't wake my roommate when I came in at a later hour rambling through drawers & such in search for my neglected journal, a lighter & my cigarettes. What's going on with me?

I guess. . I just miss it all. The 3 musketeers to be specific.

So, on a lighter note, I think that I'm pretty comfortable with the work load & new space. It's an odd place to be in life to me. As of right now, my only occupation is to learn. Doesn't it seem simple & lovely? All I need to do is successfully grasp the concepts that are taught in the classroom. I'm no longer a young child where things are handed to me, nor am I an adult in the grown-up world expected to pay bills on time and smile at the people you hate at your job. Life is full of all sorts of goodies & bad things that stupid college kids get caught up in. Let's keep it at gradual pace Kid. All kinds of things can happen between the walk from U Hall & Del Rey South.

Within all of this, I enjoy the little things about being a kid to La Professeur and L'Écrivain: euphoria and great food. . for thought too.

Higher Learning.

It's my first day of school!

Mornin' Sunshine. . .

So, I'm here. In my new home. With my Elephant. God she's awesome. Things are different. Waking to a new face & a new sunshine. It feels great. I went in with an open mind & an open heart & I feel at home in my place. People have walked past our door & love what we've done with the place. It's my place to come home to & I'm growing to love it more & more every time I walk through these doors. I miss my Ellie & I know I will until she comes back. New places, new faces, something I'd like to call finding forever. I know I will embark on new adventures & discover new places within myself but it's the beginning of forever for me.

Today I went to a Correctional Institute for Women. It was quite intense. I got a chance to meet & interact with some beautiful, educated, imprisoned women. These ladies spoke of the progression that they have reached even within those thick walls. We had a Socratic seminar about choice theory and how it has changed the way these women carry themselves and changed the way they see themselves from the inside out. Though it seemed pretty fierce just by saying the words "I'm visiting a women's prison," the experience was invaluable. I was enlightened by the entire concept of this trip. I never thought that I would find such phenomenal women behind these walls. Most women that I met were there for 20 plus years and had the sweetest hearts, seemed as if they wouldn't ever hurt a fly. This facility wasn't your typical prison; it was actually a rehabilitation center. What all prisons should strive to mimic. I was blown away by the creativity and heartfelt artwork that these women created. I couldn't even begin to explain the emotions that it all provoked. I can say that one of those emotions definitely wasn't pity. Learning about choice theory, or scratching the surface rather, opened my eyes to the realization that circumstances are only imitative of your actual attitude. In other words, life is what you make it.

God I love this.

Swimming Lessons

So, things are changing. It's such an odd thing I'm feeling. Excited for the things to come, but slow to accept the change. A little precautious maybe? It's like diving into a cold pool. If you inch your way in, it's freezing. When you dive right in, it's an easier adjustment. So why suffer the goose bumps? Jump in!

I Just Got Lost

Wow. What a rollercoaster of a life I have. Reaching climactic highs & emotional lows. Days are numbered because soon I'll be embarking on a new adventure: college! Woo! I can hardly wait.

My Mom & DB are the ultimate gift the universe could ever give me. It's comforting to know that my family isn't seasonal. Unexplainable & yes you could even say illogical but completely perfect. Dysfunctional families are the shit. Didn't you know? GO Familia!

Smokie & The Midget adventures have been awesome & completely unpredictable! Drugs & pimps, crimes & pineapple express. I mean, really? Remind me to come home before the streetlights turn on! Battle wounds & overdosed pain! Even though we didn't achieve the goal of actually cooking in the kitchen, we did come up with an obvious realization: we really ARE her kids! But, microwaved chicken nuggets count right, no? The adventures never end! Next adventure (crime) on deck: reclaiming San Fransisco! & sinking that Sailor *ahem* that sail. . boat. . .

I realized today that getting a guy that speaks farsi to interpret arabic is like having a chinese guy interpreting japanese. Really!? Ugh. The pseudo also known as the squiggle is still meaningful (to me) & representive of something deeper. My mom still thinks it pretty! Ha! Thanks ma. Just stupid.

I'm going to miss my Ellie. I'm getting sad now & have resorted to really strange measures to show my affection. But whatever! So what I'm already having separation anxiety. Aiy. Mon dieu.

Sad Sad, Happy Happy. It's like pulling the pettles off of a flower, or wings off of a lady bug.

One Foot in Front of the Next, This is the Start of a Journey

Bizarre dreams have invaded my sleep, and seeing that I cannot control what I dream of, it must mean something. I've dreamt of someone I love dearly dying and it somewhat going unnoticed and I've dreamt of running away from god knows what, yet again. "If a friend dies then it may simply mean that the friendship has been allowed to die and is now not as important." THAT scares me. It actually means to me that nothing will really ever go counterclockwise to the good ol' times. It feels as if my conscious mind and subconscious mind are in a fierce battle between perception v. reality. The way I perceive things to be and how things actually are feel vastly different. In reality, people are fleeing from my sight, for reasons more than one. But the way I see it, is that I have lost control and let them slip away. It isn't really loss of control is it? I would like to believe that it's maybe fate, something that is uncontrollable. Truly, it's unbearable to think of, losing you, but somewhere in my heart I've seemed to make peace with that unsettling reality. This time, I can't fix it.

With new journeys beginning for us all, I think that I have unintentionally purposely glued my feet to the ground; not a step forward, not a step back. The sunrises quickly turn into sunsets and I can't hold onto a day long enough to realize that today really is yesterday. I squeezed my eyes real tight to see if what I was seeing was really true. I rubbed them til the blur went away. Seems like you swiftly left while things were still blurry. I think that the worst part of growing is growing apart. Growing out of shoe sizes and maybe even jeans I'm okay with. But growing out of who we used to be is a little uneasy. On the upside, reading has taken over. Love love love reading. Goes along with the chapters in my life, too. But it's okay, when one ends, another begins. Nice.

Running: Some people have said that in this arena, I'm a track star, always running to escape. It's uncomfortable to see that I'm being controlled by circumstances of another's will. I ran in my dream for hours, fighting against the truth the entire way down. It couldn't have been just a dream. Forever is a word that is unreachable. Though I can't touch it, love can. I love you, forever & ever babe.. Windy roads that our feet walk on, maybe this thing called fate will cross us once more. I'm going on, & I'll see you when you get there. I miss you already.

In my state of confusion, I'd like to adhere to a saying a beautiful soul likes to say: "There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer". It never fails. Anxious to find out why, I guess there is only one way that this question mark will transform into a finished sentence: with time & patience (both of which I hate!) Nevertheless, tomorrow is one step closer to that answer.

This could be one of those days when we must go our separate ways.. scared for you to be out of my sight, cuz you'll never know, you might..

Hmph.

I Didn't Tell You This Today But. .

Mom, I love you. Thanks for keeping me, in all aspects of the definition. 

Petite Colette will be awesome.

That's all I got.

PS- The food & hugs make a world of a difference.

1 2 3 4 Tell Me That You Love Me More

Popi surprised me to a FEIST concert :) I love him.

Common Senses

I stayed over there a few days ago, & the infamous turning in my stomach found it's way back home. She had a bruised face & arm & well, new teeth. Like the old school days, I lost track of time & soon enough the 2nd hour of the morning came & went. I felt like I was crushing from the inside out. So, I took a walk to retrieve some smokes & clear my head. I'm not sure if I'm learning how to deal with the absence or if I'm simply ignoring it all to make life easier. I can't tell.

We were talking about the things I would need for my dorm & things & she said that if I needed extra money that I could babysit. I assumed she was referring to my unborn niece or nephew but no. She was talking about her. No, read that again, she said that I could babysit her. In other words, she would pay me to spend time with her. I mean, she's desperate enough to pay me.. Wow, as if I don't feel like shit already. Thanks.

I don't know what kind of wall I've built to protect myself but oh how deceiving it is. I would like to believe that the big bad wolf can't blow it down but, with every mishap, I'm rebuilding it in the dark so that no one will ever notice it all fell apart. I keep rejecting her. But how come... Guess I've been worn out so much by her that I just keep the distance needed to make it bearable. I know she isn't fixed but can't I just be hopeful? But then again, where has hope gotten me when it comes to... her. I don't think that she'll ever just fix her mouth to say, "I love you, I miss you, won't you come home." We just don't speak the same language. 

I sat in the alley, at my old hiding place back when I was a bit too young for the habit & made an ash tray out of the lone stairs I sat on. Ellie always says that it's pathetic to see the desolate stranger crying on the bus stop. But hadn't I reached that place in my own weird little way? Based on my premises, it will always be distant, but not always this hard to deal. At least I hope so. All this thinking is inefficacious, just running circles around my head. . . There's anonymity to this feeling I encounter every time I look into her eyes. Common, but unexplainable.

Helper Girl & Errand Boy.

Like Father, Like Daughter.

When the Moon Fell in Love with the Sun, All was Golden in the Sky

I got on a bus with my best friend yesterday. This particular bus seemed to ride us in circles all around Sunset! We cursed that damn bus! Eh, still had a chill day, of course. We read so much now! I wonder why. . . Well so much more I should say. I bought a book, got redirected on buses yet again & ended up in K-Town. I mean really? Force field!? It doesn't matter where I'm going, where I end up: K-Town. Bizarre right? Anywho, I had a good night with some old beverly friends. It was fun. It felt so familiar but so new at the same time. It's been so long, & time changes people. I had some really enlightening midnight chats, well morning chats I should say. A familiar stranger & I had some things to mend apparently, but the night was great. Breakfast anyone. . ?

I think it's interesting for two people to have an obvious pull toward each other but have nothing in common. I mean, is common ground even necessary? Not that it's obvious to everyone, but just between you and the other person. Maybe it's a good thing. I like it when different people offer new views on the same world.

Do you believe that every connection, every circumstance that surfaces in life has a particular reason? Seems like it's this perpetual 1 step forward, 2 steps back. . My logic gets clouded with every setback with Miss U. I guess it's just some sort of ineluctable punishment. For what? I'm not really sure.. But it's a damn slap in the face by that wonderful thing we call reality! I danced the night away just to keep from falling. It felt good for once to not internalize the .. Well everything about her actually. She breaks my heart. She really does.. I want to forgive & forget you Miss U, I want to release you. . . But I can't. Every time some part of you shows up I get this turning in my stomach that I wish would go away. But that becomes normal when all is expected is the worst.

But no matter, the summer is peaceful and every moment is new. I smile everyday.

Just For Now.

All I want to do is listen to the cars zooming past me. Walk a million miles. Away. And smoke with book in hand. Let me go.

Possibly Maybe. .

There is one person on this earth that makes me want to do everything right. Makes me want to try. Odd. I know. I get these butterflies in my stomach whenever I talk to her. I get all smiley and anxious whenever we reconnect. I don't know why. . . It just is. An interlude on The Love Below rambles some about how she could be the prototype in Mr. 3000's life. How often do you get that feeling about your familiar stranger? Ehh, anyways. On to another train of thought.

Common Sense told me that what you did in the past you gotta live with today. . So naturally, you also must live with the choices that you neglected to make. During those intricate moments where passion upstages logic, the electricity that hastens through your chest becomes invincible. But the corollaries hang over head and may bring overcast skies. That choice could rain on your parade, but you never know, it could bloom a flower or two. .

Today I learned the many meanings of the name "Ari." In many languages, this name holds a plethora of definitions. .

Armenian: fearless or brave

Bengali: enemy

Greek: God of War

Hebrew: Lion [of God]

Icelandic: Eagle

Maori: clear or visible

Hindi: Sin

Japanese: An ant

Tagalog: Property

. . .What's this all mean to me? All in a day's work I could be clearly visible or feel as small as an ant. I could be your fearless enemy and reek havoc or a Lion of God. . . I could be your sin or your property.. Seems like I could break many paths. I'm not sure exactly which way I'm headed.

 Oh the possibilities.

Speeding Cars & Hourglasses.

I wore my sunnies today to hide my glassy eyes. I didn't wanna show her that I started to cry. But I knew that she had done the same. Every summer day that passes, the closer it gets to that day where we will all separate. We had the best and most unpredictable walk in the wee hours of the morning. It was needed and highly anticipated. We needed a release since that is what unwinds us.. We city roam. Randomly of course, we walked through the dark trees and wandered mindfully through the shadows and spotlights given by the glaring streetlights. The infrequent breeze we would feel from the speeding cars down the road frightened us but we never once felt afraid to be out at that hour. We laughed and I heard the echoes.. We tripped and walked into spiderwebs but couldn't help but laugh at each other. It was fulfilling actually. The hourglass is moving at a pace that is discomforting. Nevertheless, we will travel and gain new heights, new knowledge and gain new troubles, too. The only thing that reassures me is that when all the sand has slipped through time, I will be able to flip the hourglass over again, and we'll hang out as if we never missed a beat. I know that I will miss them terribly, I sorta already do. But the time apart will be fine. It'll actually be good for us, right? We are all at these crossroads in our lives and have decisions to make however hard, or painful they may be. I know we'd rather ignore them until the very last minute but in order to keep going, we've got to leap as my mom likes to say. I guess I am being a little vamba, okay a lot vamba but it's hard to have my sanity be separated across the country! Geez, gimme a break. Ick. The coffee's never strong enough.

One day, I believe the universe will give me the answers to all the unspoken questions I have roaming my head.. It may not ever be logical, but I know that they will serve its purpose. Last year, we discovered the balance, this year, the silver lining.. What'll next year be like?

Je t'aime mes soeurs.

Bridge To Terabithia. . .

We went to see Pony on her mountain. I had such a good timee! I loved the family time. I think that was the longest windy road in the history of mankind. I was a wee bit qweezy but no matter. I was close to Pony. We hiked, played football, basketball, softball! We had such a family trip. We made music haha, that was hilarious. We decided to name the mountain Texarkana: the motherland of palm trees & our orange juice.  There is no way in hell I could actually survive on a mountain in reality. What can I say? We City Folk! It was nice to sit and listen to the silence for a change. Except when it was nap time & somebody didn't let us sleep! (Pony!) Other than that, I enjoyed the silence. . We laid on the basketball court after dark & stared at the million stars up above. It was beautiful, being above the clouds and feeling within reach to absolutely everything. I envy her escape. But I'm glad she has it. Funny "ghost" stories from Daddy B & rolling down the hill with my sisters were priceless. What was even more priceless was the family photo in the middle of NOWHERE! Good times.. When we were hiking Daddy B thought that the petrified trees from the fires were cool and were irrisistably beautiful and somewhat calming. I can tell because he looked so mesmerized by their exquisiteness. I thought they almost resembled me & my sisters' untypical stories; petrified but beautiful. I can't wait until the next trip to see my sister.

I know I'm still lost in this huge universe, but at least I'm not all by myself..

Go Familia! 

Those Who Are Dead, Are Not Dead They're Just Living in My Head..

I was cleaning through my junk drawers the other day, and I found a note from my late teacher Mr. Price. . . It just simply said "Please send _[the kid]_ to me. Mr. Price."   Underneath his signature there's a grease stain in the shape of a heart. I really wish that we could turn back the hands of time. God how dearly do I miss him. . It would have really meant the world to me if he would have seen me cross stage. If I saw him right now I would hold onto him and never let him go. I remember the day I met him and I told him that I wanted to be a Life Coach when I grew up. He had a look of amazement on his face and asked if I knew what that was. He showed the class on the overhead the many occupations he had in his day and Life Coach was on the list. I don't know if these are tears of joy because of all the things you have instilled in me, or tears of sorrow because I miss you. I still think that it was unfair but I guess the bigger picture keeps me sane. But no matter, I miss you. I think you'd be proud to know that I'm still ambitious to discover life. . .

Summer Daze

So, I miss my other half & for some odd reason I've been missing her phone calls. What the hell is that? Girls Night Out was fun! Went to the Arena last night where there were so many more gorgeous guys there than there were girls. Sucked because they were all gay! When the entire club is filled with gay boys that look wayy better than all the girls in there, there's a problem. I'm jes sayin.. All in all, we had fun dancing the night away. . .

I went to the BET Awards the other night and it was such a waste of time! I mean, really, it was bad dress after bad dress, weaves with seams and no parts! I mean really? Who does that? Ghetto in every way possible. No one really cares if you can't hear from the THIRD BALCONY so don't scream at LL Cool J like he can do anything! Really?? So we decided to leave early because we couldn't sit through it. Funny thing is, we sat in the hot sun waiting in line to get in longer than we stayed! Hahaa! We had the greatest quesadillas to make up for lost time, that was good. OH, I had another realization while people watching at the bad BET Awards: FEED ME! I saw so many skinny bitches that put me to shame. So, this summer is dedicated to . . eating. I had chocolate chocolate cake & milk in the wee hours of the morning. I'm so ready. That ass'll be shakin' in no time! Hahahaa!

I can't wait to see my Pony! I miss you!! I miss you so muchh! Can you believe that I was "home sick" at orientation?? Well technically not home sick, but pretty bummed out because you & Ellie weren't with me. . When they asked me about myself I actually started talking about you and Elle. Weird . . Oh, Pony, I think I'll join the surf team at my school just so that I can compete against your school. Ha, sounds like a plan!

Eeek! Can't wait to see you. In K-Town there is this VW bug and the license plate reads "DA KID" I think. . that it's meant for me. I really do. That made me smile overtime. Aah, time to eat again. . .

4:48 am

Moment of Clarity.

Nuno & Crow

I had the absolute best night of my life with Mr. LoveHates. I've missed him and I'm super happy right now. We went to the promenade with the Great Z & Cam. My love & I met the greatest people on earth: Nuno & Crow. Hints the title of the blog. This is devoted to them. We began talking because, of course, cigarettes bring people together. Nuno read me these two pages torn from a book explaining how school is the worst place for children. (Sorry Mom.) It made sense. In school a child learns of all his insecurities and that all he is curious about is bad. He learns what limits are and through his programmed thinking loses faith in himself. 

Yeah, I know.

I couldnt resist the contact we made with our eyes. It felt like eternity, as if I lived there. We saw the moon tonight. Intensely. & Mercury too. Pure euphoria when I'm with him. The LoveHates Crew love me. They are some really fucking cool guys. Made Rey's day coming to visit him at work. This summer is definitely the best one. Because as soon as he hit Somerset his summer was set...

Thrashed. Indeed.

Go Lions!

So, I had orientation at my school for the past 2 days! Yay! I loved it. So I have FOUR theatre classes, yes four. Crazy right!? Aahh, I love it. All my classes seem really awesome and I can't wait to start school. I met some really cool people and learned some great things about my school. I am so tired though! It was the longest two days of life! So the theatre geeks that I met were chill I guess. This one girl I met looked like Daisy Buchanan to me! She was nice. My advisor is awesome. I have a really good feeling about my new place. Lots of new faces, new life really. Oh, and I definitely officially hate my name. I heard it so fucking much! Agh. I'm really psyched for school though. It's so many things running through my head right now.. Ready, set, don't go...

Cold Summers!?

Aaah.. I'm sick! It seems like the moment Pony left, we all got sick! Separation anxiety? It's my official first weekend of SUMMER and I am sick! Who does that? At least I don't sound too much like a fat kid anymore.. Getting my old voice back. Yay me...

California Dreamin. . .

So, today was some sort of family trip. It was planned but I totally forgot all about it. Apparently, Lake Havasu isn't even in California! It's it Arizona everyone.. I know, right? So, sadly I didn't get a chance to see my Other Half off to camp today, but at least I get to keep Sounnie while she's away. Doesn't make up for it but WHATEVER.

I had so much fun today! The best part was, I had both of my little sisters with me today :) That like never happens. Had no type of connection to the world. No electronics i.e. cell phones, ipods.. It was great. Cell phone detox was needed in my life. We learned how to water ski today, pretty fucking awesome. Okay, clearly Arizona is not the place to live! It's so fucking hot out there! It was already 104 degrees at 9 o'clock in the morning. Every time we jumped in the water, minutes later we would be completely dry. Oh, and yes I was in a bathing suit today. Really, it's true. Eek. Apparently, I have to have one anyway. I don't really like em, but I'll get over it. I love the lake. Weird right?

So, I'm pretty bummed that Pony will be away for so long.. Eeh..

Where oh, where is Mr. LoveHates?! Off doing things without his girlfriend ehh...? Summer is here!! Yess! Time to sneak away...

Finalement! Fini!

So, guess what. WE GRADUATED! FINALLY gawwd! It's OVER. Well, high school is anyways. So, graduation was actually really fun. It was nice & not that long. Tomato Face didn't keep us there for 2 days sheesh. And while he announced the Chris Price Scholarships he said Pony's first name, continued to speak about SOMETHING ELSE, then said her last name & continued... (wait for it...) WHO DOES THAT?! Eck.. I became my sisters' biggest fan when they got the CP Scholorship. Elle & I thought it was cute that Pony stood up like she won an Oscar when she got that award. Elle was all "athletic." Her reaction was so typical soccer "GO TEAM! YEAH!" Translation: "Yay I got the award!"

So my mom was totally Vamba when we gave her the great graduation gift :) She actually thought that it was an empty photo album, then got all vamba when she saw the pictures inside. It was perfect. It was SOOO worth it! We definitely went through A LOT trying to get that damn album together!!! & ready for her by graduation! SHEEEESH!! Good times, good times.. Even before we gave her the gift she was all vamba because we were graduating!! I must admit... I was vamba-ish too. (gawd i use this word a lot!) When I saw Miss Unforgivable, & the rest of my frenchiee family I was soo happy. Miss Unforgivable & Forever TwentyOne had that proud parent moment (true vomit) but it was nice, i guess. It was thee funniest thing in the world when Guardian Angel & I saw all of Forever TwentyOne's women. We said it could have been a whole sundae if all of them showed up. His x girlfriend came!! & pregnant! WHAT a surprise! So "T" (we'll leave it at that) was the bowl shaped cone, Miss U was the banana split, "H" would have been the ice cream, the pregnant x was the whip cream & "Pita" would have been the cherry on top!! Hahaha too many damn code names! But you get the point!

Aaah back to that awesome gift my sisters & I gave to Super Woman. Aaah, just basking in the moment.. yes. hahaa, I'm just really happy she loved it. It could have gone two ways: either she could love it, or think it was really freakish haaaha. Glad it went the first way. Those damn pictures are me & Ellie's pride & joy!! Really?? BUFFING?? Who does that!? Ok, moment's over.

Time & Space.

The school year has ended. Graduation is Thursday and I'm a little excited about it! Wow, it's really here and I really will be separated from my sisters. All three of us are going to different schools! Damn I'm gonna really miss them. Elle will be across the nation & Pony will be only about an hour away from me. But it's crazy. How do you go from seeing someone everyday to .. like not at all!? I sure as hell am glad that this year is over! It's been thee most chaotic year ever. So many things happened this year, and dammit shit still hasn't slowed down! I need time to take a breath but Life isn't letting me! I just can't imagine going a day without the Girls. They make everyday more exciting and happy. I'm already having a hard enough time accepting that my bestie is going away on Saturday to San Diego! She wont be back until fucking August!! I mean who does that?! Sure Pony, I'm going to France for a little while a teeeny weeny bit of time. BUT I will be able to contact you!!

51/50

Sitting in my bed at around midnight, my best friend and I start to reflect the relationships that have bloomed & disintegrated with our mothers, While she tried to explain the urgency in mending a broken, but seemingly unfixable relationship with my birth mother, I tried to figure out why all the signs pointed to my birth mom dying before hers. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that she was stolen from her & mine.. Well mine.. I guess when you look at the situation, Mrs. SI was diligent when it came to her responsibilities and her health. Miss Unforgivable never found the time or saw the importance in it. Not enough anyway. She never will experience the unbearable pain that I feel when I look into her eyes & she doesn't know who I am. She doesn't even remotely, vaguely have a clue. Is it ironic that Miss U loses her memory after the seizures? Is it irony? Something allows this.. I'm just not sure of the reasoning just yet, or if there even is a logical answer. The differences between the relationships that we have with our mothers are tremendously different. She wants me to tell her how I feel while this moment lasts.. I feel like it's not only my moment, but Miss Unforgivable's moment too. I understand where she stands in my life.. She is no Super Woman to me.. Not even close. Though it would be nice to have a little bit of normalcy with Miss U, I'm not betting on it. My heart hurts tremendously for my Other Half. I wish it hadn't of been her to go through this. I know we can't see the silver lining yet, but it's coming. I'm too hopeful for it not to come.. When I imagine if her cards had been dealt to me, I don't think that I would exert half as much strength as she is right now.. I would regret every moment that hadn't been the way I wish it always could have been. I feel that way now actually.. I guess we will have to accept the reality that Miss U hasn't yet learned the lesson life has to teach her yet. She still has some growing up to do. The anger, the disdain that i felt towards her has melted almost completely away.. It's beginning to be replaced with the feeling of pure sadness and helplessness.. I really wish sometimes that she could have taken better care of herself. Then maybe, just maybe she could have raised me to be a good woman. But those chances are slim to none. I try so hard to face the fact that I wish things could have been better. I try, but that unnaturally filled void reminds me that I am raised by Super Woman.. A woman that practically saved me from continuing a bottomless cycle that haunts me.It shies me away from the great gifts women bring into this world. I'm so afraid of messing up,I reject it all together. I wish I didn't give Miss U so much credit over my unlived future.. It's just such a visible, almost tangible possibility.

Extra Pants Party!

I haven't blogged in two days.. Why do i feel like there's something wrong with that picture?? Am I addicted? Anywho..

Yesterday was awesome, as every other day with my best friends always ends up being. Elle and I kidnapped the Pony again! & it worked. Morning didn't start off as planned but it finished beautifully. The only sad part of the day definitely was the 10 point lost in the Celtics v. Lakers game. It was a great regular ol' Guys Night Out with the girls though. We were definitely Guys with Girl parts last night, & we rubbed some dirt on it too! We went to Hooters & watched the game & cursed at the screen just like men. In fact, all of the men surrounding us laughed at us because of our intensity. Elle said that we Pony & I turned into men right before her eyes. She was just as dainty as can be. Out of all nights, she goes to the bathroom to clean her nails during a very important game!! During halftime while we were outside smoking, she asks about the business hours of a nail salon!! I mean who does that?! Ahhh, I'm calm now.. I just had to release the rage.

After the tragic basketball game at Hooters that we will no longer speak of, we decided to connect back to our feminine side and run daintily on the shores of the beach. It was totally fulfilling, & kind of a release for the two of us.. We needed to wash away a few of our worries in the shore.. Even though we almost got arrested for public sexiness for stripping to her skinnies... Well Pony did. She couldn't figure out why I told her that she should pack an extra pair of pants because I couldn't tell her the secret place that we were taking her. I knew that she'd wanna go in the ocean.. So it all worked out perfectly. Then we cured the sweet tooth with an overly expensive churro. Fucking $2.75. Kinda depressing but still delicious.

Came home.. The night began.. & so did a new chapter in our lives.. Some things have ended. A few immaturely, but the newness of life is dawning upon us..

The Adventures Continue!

So today was yet another adventure with my sisters. We went to 6 flags :D it was really fun. Cakes brought his girlfriend. My god, he is so cute! His gf, a little boyish but really nice. SO the first ride of the day was X2 it was amazing! I swear my eyebrows were singed off by the flames that blew out at us! It was such an awesome day! I seemed to have cursed out just about everything walking. WHY? Because stupid 6 flags are trying to have these rules of no profanity, no line cutting, & no smoking! That's my life! Of course i found the "smoking sections" of the park haha. I found 3 actually. Weird.. The 2n best roller coaster was Tatsu. Go on, ask me how it was.. It was soo funny because Pony was screaming hysterically! All I could do was laugh silently along with Elle's huge laughter. Pony & I kept beating the shit out of Elle today for some odd reason.. I don't really know why. She got some good ones in on us too! Hahah oooh, the countless little green clouds. That damn Panda I suppose...

I swear we grow old by the minute! We didn't even wanna stay until 6 o'clock. It was about 4 when we were complaining about how we wished the day could be over! We were so fucking delirious its not even funny. So tomorrow will be adventurous again :) Kidnapping the Pony is so fun! Hopefully we have enough stamina to get through the day lol. So the no pants party must be postponed until a later date. But its cool, we'll still find ways to have crazy fun. My besties are the greatest.

Against All Odds. .

As long as I could remember, I've longed for a woman to show me how to exemplify greatness, to get up after falling, and most of all, a woman to show her love by her presence. Simply, her presence. Indeed, Super Woman has embraced 3 little women to bandage our wounds, to wipe our faces, and to keep us going. Some people say that blood is thicker than water. But the buckets of tears that we've cried together and for one another have really proven that belief false.. At least in my life that is.. She leaped into motherhood blindfolded. And when she reached, we all grabbed back.. Since then she hasn't let us go. I no longer feel without. I no longer feel like the black sheep. None of that exists anymore. Somehow, all of our puzzle pieces fit. .

Mike the Poet sure would be proud..

So Elle and I decided to kidnap Pony & show her the streets of LA. We took her to Hollywood, then Little Tokyo & then Melrose, also known as Locations 1, 2 & 3. It was so worth it to see that smile plastered on her face the whole day. First off we went back to that onee building on 57th street to drop off the libros & bring SuperWoman her coffee. Liebe ended up cancelling her plans with Mr. Big & stayed with us :D! We took buses & the subway & ran into some really crazy old guys. Most of them wanted to follow us.. Pretty fucking creepy.

So when we were in route on the bus, me & Pony kept noticing the SAME things at the SAME time it was soo hilarious! We kept saying omg did you see that!? We just burst into laughter. We took her down to Hollywood where she stared at the stars & looked like a tourist. It was classic. When we were there, we saw a dead homeless guy lying on the sidewalk. We figured he was dead because there were a few flies around his face & his arms were swollen & it didn't look like he was breathing at all.. Ehh.. Anyways, we went to see if my tattoo artist was in the shop but one of the guys that I had seen there when I got my tattoo said that he didnt work there anymore. He woulnt tell me why because his mother always told him that if he didnt have anything nice to say about a person then not to say anything at all. There goes my free touch up! Dammit Randy! Why'd ya do it! When we got to the subway, Pony was so happy. Everything was so brand new. We went all the way to Little Tokyo to see the infamous Girl With Boy Parts. It was soo good to see her. The entire day was filled with laughter. She is the funniest woman alive, & nooww she's the freakin manager of our band! Girls With Boy Parts coming to a city near youu! YES YOU!

Location #3 was Johnny Rockets on Melrose. It was great. We tried fucking with SuperWoman & it worked for a while haha. But then she said we gave her an ulcer from worrying too much about us. Aahh the City of LA, I do love it. There are still many places to see & experience with the besties. I think today was the best day we've had in a really long time. & dammit we deserved it! We were alive in Los Angeles!!! Omg, I cant wait to have our no pants party! LMAO. Initiation of the Roomie is in full effect!! Thursday Bitches! (I know this sounds super dirty but it's really innocent I SWEAR!)

Today was great.I so love my girls.. Somehow.. I think we have found the silver lining..

[When] Heaven & Hell decide that they both are satisfied.. & illuminate the [NO`s] on their vacancy signs..

So i can't even try to sum up the day into a nice simplistic sentence. Beautiful & heartwrenching all at once. Today was that memorable day that everyone just wanted to get through as quickly as possible. Im so proud of Pony.. She's admirable to me. & indescribably admirable. It MUST be a big deal because I normally am good with the descriptive words! I think that my awkward, crazy, lovable family is amazing. Though most of us, we got affirmed today, that we will be living in apartments in Hell. Clearly we all are gonna burn in Hell because we are purely sin-sational! We thought about turning Hell into a spa. . with a sauna, & everything! hahaa. (please remind me to N E V E R sit in front of... a "virtuous woman lawd")

On top of all the amplified emotions the morning started coffee-less & our stomachs started eating themselves alive. We had a wonderful fieldtrip to popeyes & starbucks. Its crazy because we still had to put on earmuffs & hum while the grownups talked shit. (even though we are graduating & clearly not coming back!) Haha . Car rides filled with talks about collared greens biscuits & the infamous, apparently nonexistent popcorn chicken.

We laugh, we cry, we grow.. together. ..

Tomorrow is highly anticipated. Time with my Pony & Elle. Maybe a smidge of my Vamba Face Mommy & maybe even a little bit of Mr.LoveHates :P

NyQuil Bitches.

I'm smart. You're dumb. I'm big. You're little. I'm right. You're wrong. And there's nothin' you can do about it.

The title is definitely perfect for what just happened when i came home. Does anyone have a clue what movie it's from? It's crazy when your reactionary emotions feel so paralyzed and there's no way of even redeeming yourself from the regretted silence. Try coming home to someone completely yelling at you and being soo unprepared for it that it's like you forgot how it feels to speak. Maybe things could have worked out differently today but the fact is that it didnt. All the possibilities. I havent ever felt so content when someone has had complete hostility toward me. The only thing I keep thinking is "What the fuck? Wow, ok. Nice to see you too. How was your day today?" I think the nonchalant attitude is making someeonee have an aneurysm.. Oh well who gives a fuck. Mr. LoveHates is running laps around my mind & I couldn't have another care in the world. Overall, the day was some sort of hidden realization.. Take your time, don't do what seems like should be the next step.. My day was perfect. Even despite the bumps in the road. I didnt realize until now that they were just speed bumps reassuring me that all good things dont have to be rushed all into one day. Somehow, everything's gonna fall right into place. If we only had a way to make it all.. fall faster everyday.. I know this is gonna sound so cliché but I really feel like a little girl stuck in an adult world. & everytime i try and grow up, i just mock what's in front of me & go through the same headaches & heartaches as the "role models" right in front of me.. Eck. enough with the sad "I wish I had a different life" bullshit. I'm chill because Mr. LoveHates took me to see Sex & the City today (even though he hated the idea of it, but loved the movie) & treated me to sushi :P We felt like it was a sushi kind of day. The moral of the movie so elegantly coincided with my actual day too. We'll just call it a lesson learned.. Ugh, such a long day tomorrow..

SeaSaws & Swings

Bittersweet to its very core. Today was my last day of high school & it just felt like another endless friday. I guess because these past two weeks have been insanely exhausting & tense. Can't wait for the roomie to come out here on thursday! Finally, an escape. This school year has been the most hateful & the most meaningful all at the same time. I'm glad its over & done! it seemed like it was bottomless..The emotions were highstrung & never seemed to leave the seasaw. It wasn't like a rollercoaster where you could predict the feeling when it came. It was sudden just like the adrenaline of a seasaw. But there are things that I know will always stay with me. I will forever hide under a desk & hide from the world when it all gets unbearable. that was the safest place in the whole wide world. Very therapeutic actually. Chronic morning starbucks. Emo walks in the rain. Or sunshine for that matter. RSVP pen stealing. & dancing & singing up & down hallways for no apparent reason. :D wow . Mr. LoveHates is definitely the cheese to my macaroni. Daft Punk knowws that there is something about us ! The moment we sat together on playground swings afterdark smoking cigarettes was the moment I knew he was apart of a new transition in my life. it seemed so ironic to swing back & forth with my cigs. At that very moment I understood what it felt to be stuck between two worlds. It was never so clear to me until then.