Love Hurts Sometimes, but this Feels Right

I wish that we could be better. I haven't been my best for quite a while, & neither has she. This is a growing, evolving transition for us both & as much as it hurts, it's got to be on our own terms away from each other. I miss her. I guess this is the time where I refrain from depending on her permanence & this is where I try to stand on my own. It hurts to realize that I don't depend on myself as much as I'd like to. I have no fear of losing her, just losing myself. I wish I could push this part of growing to another place in my life, somewhere in the future, but time waits for no one. I wear this necklace my father gave me a few weeks ago that reads fearlessness. When I look in the mirror each day & see it around my collar bone along with the necklace I hold in my sleep from my mother, I am reminded of my immense fear in who I am today. Even though it shoots a bit of fear through my chest, it is soon calmed by this unrelenting hope. As odd as it sounds, I am afraid but I know in my heart that they will never abandon me. I think it's okay for people to be scared of the unseen at times, I just have a hard time admitting to myself that I am all too human.
You matter enough to be my incentive when I feel like it's completely unbearable. You believe in me enough to make me want to believe in myself & for that, I appreciate you. You've become the inspiration for the both of us. We just hope to never let you down.
The summer will be the greatest but I would like to believe that it won't be too hard to say "see you soon" again if that's what is to happen. I think that if I remind myself daily of the things I ought to believe in, that one day I will. I don't know if that makes too much sense though. Hm, we'll see.

Attract Me Until it Hurts to Concentrate

She captivates her. The moment she kissed her goodbye, the all too familiar rush of timid love replenished itself in her chest, which forever resonates in the pit of her stomach. She loves her, but will she ever understand? Maybe. And if she doesn't she'll just keep daydreaming, because she's a daydream[her].

Hush My Baby, Don't You Cry

The last few days have been tiring. I've had the intense and seemingly never ending thrust into catharsis. It was hard trying to search through my blurry vision and admit to myself that I had already known the soreness and exactly its emergence. The anxiety seemed so illogical to me that giving it any attention became futile. If you asked me what I was so afraid of, I wouldn't be able to tell you. That small and profound fact is still hiding somewhere in my mind. I don't know why I sincerely spare her feelings when mine where never genuinely in her interest. My best friend tells me that I have gotten better with vocalizing my sadness which roots from her, but I can't see any progression just yet. She reminded me that when I was in high school, I never talked about it and all you would ever find was my music blasting to drown everything out, and me huddled in some corner with my journal. I take it that it was evident that I knew pain but didn't know how to let it go. It will never make sense to me as to why I excuse her absence and nonchalantly dismiss her uncommitted nature. The little girl that still resides in me won't let me. I've learned that just because I am accustomed to these bizarre circumstances that it in no way makes it okay.
It didn't help to converse with an old friend of my father's who insisted on pointing out that I am a complete reflection of her--physically that is. It's odd. I look in the mirror and don't see her at all, I never have.
These days here, in my mom-mom's comforting house has given me the time to reflect. The days I spent at my father's gave me time to cry through all of the work that compiled before my eyes. I am forever indebted to my popi & mom-mom. All I know is that the best parts of me manifests through them.
I don't know how long it will take for me to get there but when I finally do, I won't feel guilty anymore. Everything is hidden in time somewhere, now if only I could learn patience.

J'ai toujours l'espoir.

Ma cherie c'est MOI!?

I just understood sooo much about my daughter. I am scared and in awe. My goodness I have done a good job haven't I?
-Superwoman.

You Came in with the Breeze on Sunday Morning. .

Today was very well needed, well the whole weekend actually. Mom mothered the twins and gave them the support that they clearly yearned for, the same support she gave me years ago. It felt way too familiar and I completely feel for the girls. It was like deja vu sitting there talking about the unchangeable situations that we were all placed in. It was sort of inspiring though. I somehow know that the girls are going to emerge from their shitty situation & become such beautiful women. I haven't spent all the time in the world with them, but from what I can contend to, it definitely gets better once those seemingly endless moments are finally finished. It was weird, sort of rejuvenating to hear my old conversation with my mom to be reinforced to the twins. I can see from the outside in this time, how important a woman she really is to so many of us. Even if the girls feel a little bit hopeless right now, I can hope for them because I understand what it all feels like & it gets better. . .

On a brighter note, Mom & I finally came up with our definition for dating! I don't think you understand how exciting that is, & that's okay! It was driving us crazy! & yes we have our own definition of dating because if you don't live our complicated & exhausting lives you just won't get it. It's seriously a day job.

On our odd excursions today, we had our Sunday morning ritual of reading with coffee (& smokes for mee) & we were on our way. We had expensive "Santa Monica Organic Food," & went to the overpopulated promenade. We shopped for a dress that hid from us for most of our day, but we finally got it & it's secretly accessible, I kinda love it. A typical day for us is probably something that is out of the ordinary for most, but what can I say? We can't help it. Singing No Doubt songs all the way back (probably off key), the day ended well. Gotta love those Sundays.

I mean really, we're kind of a big deal. Now if only Elle would hurry up & get to the westside. . .