Mmm.. Just Because.

I haven't been here in such a long time, but the feeling is still familiar to me. But anyway, I wanted to simply tell Betsy Elena how much I appreciate your attentive nature and genuine care for me when I am not my greatest. I know I am hesitant to tell you what may be traveling through my mind at times but I am always doing my best to muster up the strength and courage to get it out. Ah.. I can't tell you enough, but I am one of the luckiest women on earth and honored at that to be welcomed and received with open arms into your life. I find it strange that out of the 6 years I've known you, I've let you see me cry only once. But the one time I came over in tears, you know that it was one of the hardest truths I was trying my best to grasp. I appreciate you for teaching me one of the greatest lessons--you already know how much I love to quote you. And to tell you the truth, it has comforted me in more ways than one, in more than one context. Thank you for telling me that "there are years that ask questions, and there are years that answer them." It gives me patience and wipes away the anxiety filled tears down my face. I acknowledge that I am difficult to talk to or comfort at times but I appreciate that you never give up on me. I feel that I can't say enough to illustrate the impact you've had on my growth as a woman. Thank you for growing up with me, even when it was from a distance. So know that you are always someone that I look up to. I strive to embody your compassion and relentless efforts to love the unlovable. In your 20 years of living, you have wisdom beyond measure and I can't wait to watch you blossom even more.

Walk With Me...

Where the fog holds all of our secrets

Where the scrape of your pants against the pavement

Become a constant reminder that you are right beside me

On this path, into the abyss

The fog whispers our words into the distance

And releases our sorrows

There is no fear

Just haze, looming above a line less night sky

No face in front of me

No soul behind you

Just you

Beside me

Me

Within you

I can't see too far in front of me

I'm leaving everything else behind me

Only once I glance

To know that I will not miss any of it

My grip on your sleeve

Loosening and tightening with each switch of my foot

Where we go

We do not know, but

As long as I can hear your

Presence, and feel your

Essence

My secret soul will be at peace

Walking with you

Breathing in you

Being me

In you

The dew on our skin

Dripping from the limp leaves

Saturates our color

We bleed into the city

We become our city

Take me in your hands and never let me go

Put your heart here

Or there and I'll carry it wherever I go

Come here...

And just walk with me

She Told Me There is Always Time Around the Clock... So I Let the Clocks Melt with Time.

I used to call you Ms. Unforgivable. I used to call you that because I didn't believe that I had the capacity to forgive you. I've grown up a bit Mom. I have this feeling of relief that I'm proud of. You put a smile on my face more than ever before and I'm grateful for all of the people that have helped me get to the place that I am in today. Thank you for loving me even when I convinced myself that I didn't love you. I hope that I can always make you proud. You were the only person that I ever wanted to understand me and accept me for being different. Maybe you don't understand me completely but I'm content with your efforts. I try to understand you too, as a mother, as a woman. Regardless of how I felt before, you have helped me become the woman I am today. The times weren't always easy or comforting but if I had to do it again I wouldn't ask to have it any other way. I'm enjoying getting to know you as the woman you are today. Thank you for forgiving me too.

Tracing Patterns in the Maze of Your Back.. Softly, Softly the Goose Bumps Like That.

I ran my fingers through the sand and felt you were with me, as if I was running my fingers across your skin and through your hair. I heard you whisper my name through the waves and you hushed me to sleep. Though it was gently and quiet, there was an urgency in your voice that took me quickly into our secret place. I knew that you sent a smooth breeze to kiss my cheek. When the waves became silent, I opened my eyes just to see if you were still breathing. Soon after another rush of the ocean came back to me and I still felt you there. I fell gently into sleep and you caught me to rest my head against your pillow. You made sure my sleep was sweet and even though it only lasted a moment, it felt as if I was there with you forever. My black skies were inviting me once more into your domain so I stayed there as long as time allowed me to. The ocean in the air left your scent on my skin. Bonne nuit chérie she tells me. You have to go to sleep so we can meet again.

My Voice a Beacon in the Night, My Words Will Be Your Light to Carry You to Me.

It was a familiar ache in my body when I would think of all of the simple things that I would love to enjoy with you. Now, the simple things that we share make my heart flutter and makes my breath leave my body. I adore you. I meet you in a different world at the peak of our black nights and bright mornings with our silent breathing bodies. Whether I have tears in my eyes from sadness or hysterical laughter, you are the first person I reach for. You surround me and dwell in the center of my chest. I love your laughter and silly stories. I love the mixing scents of raindrops and traveling cigarette smoke that wrap around you with the wind. I love your train rides, especially the awkward ones and the sound of you slirping the whip cream from the bottom of your empty caramel frappachino. Hey, I even enjoy it when you sing along to all of the commercial show tunes or yell at the tv, and when you sing in the shower. But I adore your sleepy voice the most. So whenever you even try to think that I am not with you, beside you, within you, reconsider it and remember to look into your ocean infused eyes because in the glare from the light and the reflection you will see me.

I Felt All Flushed With Fever.

Tonight just turned into one of those nights. In this dark room I miss you most. I wish that you could feel me in any way possible. If you could be the heat against my skin from the sun. If you could be the gaze in my eyes. If you could be the tears falling from my eyes or the pages of the book I write in at night. If maybe you could be the blanket that keeps me warm at night. If you could feel me, there would be no need for words sometimes. For nights like these I wouldn't have to open my mouth to speak, you'd just know if my heart skipped a beat or if I stared down at my hands a second longer, what I felt like. You know my weaknesses and when they manifest. Sometimes I don't want to use words to express it, just for you to simply, secretly know. Surely enough, you inspire the words I write, the stream of consciousness that flows out of my pen. The written words feel better than the spoken ones at times. Regardless of how the feelings are expressed, I hope for your understanding. Anyway, I hope you are dreaming sweetly, a little dream of me. I'll meet you in the middle.

Missing My Girls

I'm here in a random hotel in Texas wishing I were home at the Clubhouse watching movies and laughing with my baby girls. I always wondered when I was young if my father missed me as much as I missed him when he went away on his millions of trips.

The answer is yes, of course he did. I remember thinking that going to far off cities for work was glamorous and fun. I know now that all you think about is looking at your daughters faces, hearing them laugh, and secretly checking on them while they sleep, long past the time you said you were going to bed.

Being the kind of mom I am is is always surprising. I didn't get my kids until late in life, but I know that I feel for them the type of love only a mother can. I know the world stops for them. That I'd give my everything to keep them safe.

Often times my girls will admonish me for being overprotective and telling them too much. They don't know how much I wish I could keep them safe with me always, stop their tears, clear up their confusion, and take away their hurt. They don't know that they see my secret face. The one I show only to them.

There is no place on earth I would rather be than home. I'll see you tomorrow girls.

Love,

Mommy

Don't Say a Word. Let Your Body Speak.

Lips slightly parted, relaxed and glistening from the dim light shining in the distance. You lean into me to tell me something of your heart and change your mind so instead, you repay me with a kiss on the cheek because of your sudden change of heart. Your eyes are piercing and yearning to be understood. Secretly they let me peek into your soul and see into you. Once you realize that your eyes are telling your secrets, you shyly look down to your hands. You muster the confidence to look into my eyes once more. A glance turns into a stare... But don't worry, I can keep your secrets. Our bodies speak a language that our words cannot comprehend. Something as simple as my nails running across your skin will send chills up your spine. Something.. as simple as a shy smile will be inviting enough for you to follow me into a place unknown to us. Our contours will grow accustomed to each other. It will be second nature to fall into a peaceful sleep in that position that will comfort and protect you--even if it's just my arm placed across your chest with your hand gently holding my wrist. We'll fit, like puzzle pieces. And when your eyes well up with tears, my hands will wipe your face before they get a chance to wet your shirt. When you look down to hide, my hand will lift your chin up because there's nothing to be afraid of. Release yourself in my embrace. Just, let me hold you when it hurts. Tonight close your eyes and rest your body. If you pay close attention, I will tell you all that you inquire without ever having to speak a word. If you are afraid to speak the words out of fear of judgment, guide me with your body. I want to show you because my words can fail. But this is something that you already know-- soul meets soul on lover's lips. Yes, you will find peace in this silence. Body language is louder than words sometimes.

I want you to wrap your hands around my body.

Take me to another place, let's get away from here. . .

Let me show you something brand new.

You Keep Me Together

Thank you daughter, thank you.

Casablanca Lilies.

Dear Mommy,

I was sitting here pondering in this dark room and I picked up my journal. Yes the one that comes with me everywhere just so that if I happen to be inspired or if I am too shy or ashamed to speak my words, I can write them down. I read through it again and I came across a little secret letter I wrote for you back in January-- the month that never existed in our world and I wanted to remind you, just in case you may have forgotten. . .

I think of you every time I go out to the bluff. I miss you. I go out there and inevitably I begin to reflect. I appreciate you. Tonight I thought about the time you sat with me out there on the bluff and we had a heart to heart. I can't help but reiterate my everlasting gratitude for you and the place you have in my heart. Way back when, I had nearly passed out because the last time I had eaten was god knows when... You sat me down outside of your classroom door and you handed me a bottle of water, an apple and crackers. You ordered me to EAT. I'm thankful for that day. Being in my position, it's hard to watch from a far when people burn you and are unappreciative of your natural being. Me being me, I just wanna take it all away and smack some sense into a select few... Unfortunately I cannot rob them of their life learning, but damn it, I wish they could see your priceless worth. I'll always be grateful for you.

-Forever, A.

I can see the humanity that holds you, the past that thrusts you forward, and the future that inspires you. You are beautiful Mommy because you never stop learning and you don't accept mediocrity. Even if you have to try it again, you rebuild yourself like your graceful phoenix. I know that you believe in me, even when I don't believe in myself. I know this all to be true because you loved me.

Find Some Beautiful Place To Get Lost. . .

She coyly smiles and urges me to chase after her. The wind blows her hair across her smile as she turns back and skips far ahead of me. The skip turns into a swaying walk and she doesn't look back because she's confident that I am still close behind. I gently brush my hand against her hips and I stop her in her tracks. She leans her face to the left, I pull her hair aside and kiss the right side of her neck. My hands find their way home to her waist and press her up against me. The city surrounds us, while the sun seeps through our summer skin. Time doesn't just slow down, it comes to a complete stop and then we are the only two in the world enveloping ourselves into each other in slow motion.

Take my hand while I dream and never let it go please. Pull me through into your world so I can dwell with you.

[taschka turnquist]

Just Fall

I look forward into the distance without blinking. I stare into a remote place until it burns. The refusal to blink is only giving my tears time to well up, become too heavy, and race down my cheeks. I want to blend into the distance but I cannot advance until I trust that she will catch me when I fall blindly into her arms. The game of trust is fickle. I've fallen onto the ground too many times and I shouldn't want to do it again. But I want to trust that she will catch me when I fall backwards into her arms. I fell backwards before only to be surprised that she wasn't there to catch me. She was suppose to be my support but instead I just fell through the clouds for another to catch. I only want to be able to trust that she cares enough to catch me. 

Just fall.

Cooling Off the Fire of My Longing

The breath you took before your body turned limp, felt to me like rising too quickly, feeling a rush of blood to the head. My head became light and my body was drowsy, as if I was dowsed with an antihistamine. My vision faded to black and even though I blinked and widened my eyes, I couldn't see a thing; not even you. Come back to me. I will nurture your weak body back to health. I wouldn't hesitate to solve you with my kiss. I squirmed nervously in my seat trying to keep my composure because I wanted to do the things that my hands are not powerful enough to perform. I looked at my palms and wondered what they were worth if I could not even ease your pain? 

I paused to examine myself. My body: paralyzed from the tension racing through the electrical circuits that replaced my veins. My foot: shaking uncontrollably, counteracting my anxiety, secretly calming me. My eyes: moving swiftly, gazing upon every surface suspiciously as if it had wronged me. Moments passed where I sighed and changed positions to break up the monotony of this helplessness. I could have sworn the entire theater heard the beating of my chest with every silent moment.

Buzz Buzz. Don't worry okay? Buzz Buzz. She will be fine. Buzz Buzz. Hey relax, she is doing okay. . . Buzz Buzz. Stop worrying. Buzz Buzz. Buzz Buzz. Buzz Buzz. . .

Patience is really testing me. I must sit back and let time heal this without interference. The gap in time and space between us is agonizing. Because in my head, I'm pacing in your waiting room, I'm staring at my shoes. I blink again, and I'm sitting in this theater, even farther away from you, going in and out of range, hearing words of poetry but not comprehending what some of them are because my mind is elsewhere, my thoughts are with you.

Oh City of Lost Angels, How I Love You So. .

My beautiful city. My first love. I cannot escape from the tight grip you've got me under. Your eyes are too dreamy to look away for too long. And even when you disregard my heart with traffic and gloomy skies I still come running back to you. You send your lovers on long windy roads full of detours and pot holes but each and every one of us believe in our naive hearts that we can overlook your flaws! Your melodies saturate the air and I fall in love with you all over again. I try to act like you don't mean much, that I'd rather run away from you and never return, but you've got a way of luring me back with your sunshine, bright colors and hypnotizing music. It's not always beautiful but unlike most, I can say that I can wear my summer skin the majority of the year.

So Superwoman and I, ahem, Mystic Moon and I had the great realization that living in our city is like dating a musician (no offense Nush). Dammit dammit dammit. I always fall for the creative ones.

Some Parts of Me Need Fixing.

I wish that it wouldn't get the best of me every single time. I can only ignore this feeling momentarily. It's takes everything out of me to neglect the apprehension of you, but I cannot. I believe that I'm holding my breath but in all actuality, you've knocked the wind out of me. My skin feels raw from the salty tears and all of a sudden my sleeves aren't dry enough to wipe my face. The tingly feeling now burns the more I rub my eyes to get a clearer perspective. I am tired now because you took all of my energy, I'm weak for you now. I hate to love you and I can't seem to let you go. I listened to the phone call and learned the news of your current state and it changed me. It took me back to the place that I know so well but dread tremendously. He watched me and said that my whole demeanor changed. I've been walking around trying to release you from my body but pacing just made me more anxious. He told me that maybe I am abandoning you in the same way. . . I was. I don't believe that I want anything to do with you, but my body, my heart tells me otherwise. Loving you hurts too much. I'm conflicted all over again, or did this ever leave to begin with? You have an exceptional talent in throwing me into confusion.

I just might need someone to hold my face, let the tears stream if the so choose and tell me something better follows this.

Between Me, You, and Liberation

When I close my eyes to dream, I only have one visitor. She dwells in my slumber. She holds me there. I remember the very first time we met under these circumstances and I was gently but ungratefully awoken by the sun rays peering through my window one Sunday morning. It was a sweet dream. I would have rather slept for a lifetime just to be near her. If only you could see into me. We've embraced more than once, kissed more than once, and cried only once. I have realized that I'm bending the lines between slumber and wakefulness. I feel fully alive with or without my eyes open. The silent movies in my head become animated when the ink from my pen reaches the pages of my. . . The ink is the only lifeline for them. It's too surreal to deny its value. I feel the breezes and rays of sunshine. I feel everything that touches me. It's simple. It's only physics. . . Sadly enough, it's not all entirely fulfilling. Are we living in a dreamworld? Don't answer that rhetorical question. Living, breathing, reaching, nonetheless. I may not fall asleep to your voice in the night, or always wake up to your eyes, but we meet in the middle. The proximity between you and me is elongated in the day but the silver lining is reached in the black of the night. Interestingly enough, when the sun shines for me, the moon shines for you, so we're always near. . . Just not quite close enough. And even when I'm afraid, I squeeze my eyes shut and somehow my fear is released. Even if it's just for a moment, I'm safe in your arms. When darkness falls it's exhilarating. I'm not afraid of the dark. 

My dreams are like streams of consciousness: raw and passionate in its nature, climactic and satisfying. My dreams are timeless. Can't you see? 

Time. 

The essence of it. 

How easy it is to waste it. 

How we yearn for more. . & ask about where it went. 

It passes our shadows ands shows up on our faces. 

Time. 

Never works for us, and always seems against us. . .

Count 

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, years

Time.

Live while you still have it

Breathe while you still own it

Your smiles are timeless

The only evidence shown that time has passed are the rising and falling of the moon. It's dragging its feet but it's bringing me closer to you. I can be patient. I'll think I'll see you tonight, maybe. Bonne Nuit.

Now I lay me down to sleep. . . She rested her head upon my chest. Sensed liberation in between breaths. . .

Destined . . . ?

I am afraid that I may learn to need you more than you'll need me. I want to love you with every fiber of my being, but is that possible without entangling my creeds and weaknesses into your very soul? I would do anything for you, and the danger that could potentially lie ahead is a footnote to the life we should and could live. I've exposed myself, my fears and worries to you and it'll burn if you decide that one day you no longer care. I hope that you won't forget me and need me no longer. I don't believe in forever, so let's make this last as long as humanly possible. Be here for me and I will be here too. I want to caress you and nothing less. I will massage the knots out of your shoulders when the weight of the world weighs you down, as long as you will massage the awful thoughts out of my mind. Give me yourself and I will give you no less in return. I love you tremendously, distance will never falter our devotion. I will continue hoping that we are destined. . .

I'm bending time getting back to you ma femme.I hope they never find out what they already know.

My first year is coming to an end & I can tell you that the majority of the lessons I learned were outside of the classroom. Mommy I know I haven't made you the proudest with the grades but you taught me life lessons that I will take with me wherever I go. That's what I'll forever in a day cherish. It'll get better, I believe you. Someone said that it's just growing pains, & indeed it is. The journey's long & it feels so bad. I know my eyes will be puffy in the morning & it might not feel the best but at least I felt it.

You Could Have My Heart or We Could Share It Like the Last Slice. . .

I'm sitting here in this vacant kitchen, thinking of her, and as of late she has found a home in my thoughts, in a way that no one has done before. She's branded me. My words will give no justice to how outrageous this feels to be alone, thinking of another that has never looked into my eyes. Forgive me.

My mom is gone and I am sad. My Nush is gone, and that fact alone will always be a sore spot until she is able to come home and fill her spot, in this chair beside me. The refrigerator is buzzing and the only other things I hear are the click clacking of the keys under my fingertips and the shy sighs that release this smoke. I hate being alone. Actually, I hate being without them. I thought that maybe I could read the book mom gave me, but that would just be torture. Je suis silencieuse.

What are you afraid of? The Love Below. . .

Love Hurts Sometimes, but this Feels Right

I wish that we could be better. I haven't been my best for quite a while, & neither has she. This is a growing, evolving transition for us both & as much as it hurts, it's got to be on our own terms away from each other. I miss her. I guess this is the time where I refrain from depending on her permanence & this is where I try to stand on my own. It hurts to realize that I don't depend on myself as much as I'd like to. I have no fear of losing her, just losing myself. I wish I could push this part of growing to another place in my life, somewhere in the future, but time waits for no one. I wear this necklace my father gave me a few weeks ago that reads fearlessness. When I look in the mirror each day & see it around my collar bone along with the necklace I hold in my sleep from my mother, I am reminded of my immense fear in who I am today. Even though it shoots a bit of fear through my chest, it is soon calmed by this unrelenting hope. As odd as it sounds, I am afraid but I know in my heart that they will never abandon me. I think it's okay for people to be scared of the unseen at times, I just have a hard time admitting to myself that I am all too human.
You matter enough to be my incentive when I feel like it's completely unbearable. You believe in me enough to make me want to believe in myself & for that, I appreciate you. You've become the inspiration for the both of us. We just hope to never let you down.
The summer will be the greatest but I would like to believe that it won't be too hard to say "see you soon" again if that's what is to happen. I think that if I remind myself daily of the things I ought to believe in, that one day I will. I don't know if that makes too much sense though. Hm, we'll see.

Attract Me Until it Hurts to Concentrate

She captivates her. The moment she kissed her goodbye, the all too familiar rush of timid love replenished itself in her chest, which forever resonates in the pit of her stomach. She loves her, but will she ever understand? Maybe. And if she doesn't she'll just keep daydreaming, because she's a daydream[her].