Hush My Baby, Don't You Cry

The last few days have been tiring. I've had the intense and seemingly never ending thrust into catharsis. It was hard trying to search through my blurry vision and admit to myself that I had already known the soreness and exactly its emergence. The anxiety seemed so illogical to me that giving it any attention became futile. If you asked me what I was so afraid of, I wouldn't be able to tell you. That small and profound fact is still hiding somewhere in my mind. I don't know why I sincerely spare her feelings when mine where never genuinely in her interest. My best friend tells me that I have gotten better with vocalizing my sadness which roots from her, but I can't see any progression just yet. She reminded me that when I was in high school, I never talked about it and all you would ever find was my music blasting to drown everything out, and me huddled in some corner with my journal. I take it that it was evident that I knew pain but didn't know how to let it go. It will never make sense to me as to why I excuse her absence and nonchalantly dismiss her uncommitted nature. The little girl that still resides in me won't let me. I've learned that just because I am accustomed to these bizarre circumstances that it in no way makes it okay.
It didn't help to converse with an old friend of my father's who insisted on pointing out that I am a complete reflection of her--physically that is. It's odd. I look in the mirror and don't see her at all, I never have.
These days here, in my mom-mom's comforting house has given me the time to reflect. The days I spent at my father's gave me time to cry through all of the work that compiled before my eyes. I am forever indebted to my popi & mom-mom. All I know is that the best parts of me manifests through them.
I don't know how long it will take for me to get there but when I finally do, I won't feel guilty anymore. Everything is hidden in time somewhere, now if only I could learn patience.

J'ai toujours l'espoir.