I dreamt of you last night & I couldn't quite wrap my mind about why I was even thinking in my sleep & that you just happened to be the center of it. I feel like everything that is intended to be intimate about myself ends up being exposed in thoughts that don't belong to me & in conversations with you or at least the ones that concern you. It gives me this feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach that I was only able to put into words just this evening.
It was unbearable, with you trying so diligently to make her me that I couldn't help but feel pity for her. It was all too familiar, that exchange of naive looks with her and the intriguing air that surrounds you that clearly caught her attention. Don't be mistaken, I wasn't at all envious of her, I just didn't understand why you were really trying to recreate something that was so authentic to our lives, in someone that happened to resemble me physically. I thought that it was too selfish of you. It was clear that she didn't understand that this entire affair had nothing to do with her, and that it was your own selfish ways that weren't letting me go. I feel that you yearn for the mere idea of me, more than anything else. There's this feeling lingering inside of me that makes me think that you somehow spy on me from a far by just simply inquiring on my current where-abouts and endless thoughts. I feel ashamed for thinking of you, and consistently having to remind myself that I chose not to walk beside you and share a whole new country with you. Maybe I'm not being fair, but I didn't want to be coerced into things with you and figure out too far down the road that this isn't mine, it's ours. I have all of the intention in the world to create something that belongs to me & me alone. I'm starting to think that I have made a mistake, but I shouldn't. . . Right?
Years of being collateral damage has made me search even harder to call something my own and the harder I strain my eyes, the more I realize that there are few minuscule things that I can call mine. I feel this misplaced guilt that I just shouldn't. I can't tell if I miss you or if I'd wish that you wouldn't miss me anymore. Both, perhaps. I feel this inevitability about us that makes me wonder about the essential question; is there a direction and meaning in lives beyond the individual's own will? If this happens to be true, then why am I even fighting it? I've began to silently despise our past because the memories have got a hold on me. I wasn't suppose to.
Clearly, this has got me all discombobulated and uneasy in my skin. But it's all just a dream right? I'll wake up with no thoughts of you swarming my mind or disrupting my appetite right?
2 comments:
hmph , dreams bring out the truth behind it all uh ?
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