We were talking about the things I would need for my dorm & things & she said that if I needed extra money that I could babysit. I assumed she was referring to my unborn niece or nephew but no. She was talking about her. No, read that again, she said that I could babysit her. In other words, she would pay me to spend time with her. I mean, she's desperate enough to pay me.. Wow, as if I don't feel like shit already. Thanks.
I don't know what kind of wall I've built to protect myself but oh how deceiving it is. I would like to believe that the big bad wolf can't blow it down but, with every mishap, I'm rebuilding it in the dark so that no one will ever notice it all fell apart. I keep rejecting her. But how come... Guess I've been worn out so much by her that I just keep the distance needed to make it bearable. I know she isn't fixed but can't I just be hopeful? But then again, where has hope gotten me when it comes to... her. I don't think that she'll ever just fix her mouth to say, "I love you, I miss you, won't you come home." We just don't speak the same language.
I sat in the alley, at my old hiding place back when I was a bit too young for the habit & made an ash tray out of the lone stairs I sat on. Ellie always says that it's pathetic to see the desolate stranger crying on the bus stop. But hadn't I reached that place in my own weird little way? Based on my premises, it will always be distant, but not always this hard to deal. At least I hope so. All this thinking is inefficacious, just running circles around my head. . . There's anonymity to this feeling I encounter every time I look into her eyes. Common, but unexplainable.
3 comments:
first off , read my blog on FORGIVENESS . and how to forgive , i think that might show you a way out .
point B !! ; i know just what this whole blog is about and not that im about to be on your head .. but sweetheeart , you have graduated and have to be a big girl now ..
my point in saying that is ..
BE the bigger person here ! i know who she is .. and know that she should be there FOR YOU . but what if a person doesnt KNOW how to ? can you be mad at them for that ? .. the whole babysitting situation .. she spoke to me about it .. and i had the same thoughts as you . but she feels like IT will bring you together .. who am i to say any different ? ..
i know you love her DEEP down inside ..and yes i do think you have a wall up and so HIGH right now .. no one can reach the TOP ! not even me ! come back down .. we miss you down here !
oh sweetie. . . that's all I got. And some hugs and food.
hey girl . . I was just exploring blogspot by clicking next blog, which takes you to random blogs . . and landed on yours . . you have a great way of expressing yourself and this post was really interesting because I can relate . .
soooo I completely get where you're coming from . . the feeling of love lost and wondering why the love's one-sided instead of it being mutual . . just as the first person who commented remarked, that the receiving end could not be 100% blamed if they don't know how to love . . and as real as that may sound, it does hurt . . I'm a witness to it, still going through it
. . but take your time to think about what you want to do about this situation, follow your heart BUT protect your mind, think critically . . hopefully this helps . .
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