One Foot in Front of the Next, This is the Start of a Journey

Bizarre dreams have invaded my sleep, and seeing that I cannot control what I dream of, it must mean something. I've dreamt of someone I love dearly dying and it somewhat going unnoticed and I've dreamt of running away from god knows what, yet again. "If a friend dies then it may simply mean that the friendship has been allowed to die and is now not as important." THAT scares me. It actually means to me that nothing will really ever go counterclockwise to the good ol' times. It feels as if my conscious mind and subconscious mind are in a fierce battle between perception v. reality. The way I perceive things to be and how things actually are feel vastly different. In reality, people are fleeing from my sight, for reasons more than one. But the way I see it, is that I have lost control and let them slip away. It isn't really loss of control is it? I would like to believe that it's maybe fate, something that is uncontrollable. Truly, it's unbearable to think of, losing you, but somewhere in my heart I've seemed to make peace with that unsettling reality. This time, I can't fix it.

With new journeys beginning for us all, I think that I have unintentionally purposely glued my feet to the ground; not a step forward, not a step back. The sunrises quickly turn into sunsets and I can't hold onto a day long enough to realize that today really is yesterday. I squeezed my eyes real tight to see if what I was seeing was really true. I rubbed them til the blur went away. Seems like you swiftly left while things were still blurry. I think that the worst part of growing is growing apart. Growing out of shoe sizes and maybe even jeans I'm okay with. But growing out of who we used to be is a little uneasy. On the upside, reading has taken over. Love love love reading. Goes along with the chapters in my life, too. But it's okay, when one ends, another begins. Nice.

Running: Some people have said that in this arena, I'm a track star, always running to escape. It's uncomfortable to see that I'm being controlled by circumstances of another's will. I ran in my dream for hours, fighting against the truth the entire way down. It couldn't have been just a dream. Forever is a word that is unreachable. Though I can't touch it, love can. I love you, forever & ever babe.. Windy roads that our feet walk on, maybe this thing called fate will cross us once more. I'm going on, & I'll see you when you get there. I miss you already.

In my state of confusion, I'd like to adhere to a saying a beautiful soul likes to say: "There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer". It never fails. Anxious to find out why, I guess there is only one way that this question mark will transform into a finished sentence: with time & patience (both of which I hate!) Nevertheless, tomorrow is one step closer to that answer.

This could be one of those days when we must go our separate ways.. scared for you to be out of my sight, cuz you'll never know, you might..

Hmph.