51/50

Sitting in my bed at around midnight, my best friend and I start to reflect the relationships that have bloomed & disintegrated with our mothers, While she tried to explain the urgency in mending a broken, but seemingly unfixable relationship with my birth mother, I tried to figure out why all the signs pointed to my birth mom dying before hers. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that she was stolen from her & mine.. Well mine.. I guess when you look at the situation, Mrs. SI was diligent when it came to her responsibilities and her health. Miss Unforgivable never found the time or saw the importance in it. Not enough anyway. She never will experience the unbearable pain that I feel when I look into her eyes & she doesn't know who I am. She doesn't even remotely, vaguely have a clue. Is it ironic that Miss U loses her memory after the seizures? Is it irony? Something allows this.. I'm just not sure of the reasoning just yet, or if there even is a logical answer. The differences between the relationships that we have with our mothers are tremendously different. She wants me to tell her how I feel while this moment lasts.. I feel like it's not only my moment, but Miss Unforgivable's moment too. I understand where she stands in my life.. She is no Super Woman to me.. Not even close. Though it would be nice to have a little bit of normalcy with Miss U, I'm not betting on it. My heart hurts tremendously for my Other Half. I wish it hadn't of been her to go through this. I know we can't see the silver lining yet, but it's coming. I'm too hopeful for it not to come.. When I imagine if her cards had been dealt to me, I don't think that I would exert half as much strength as she is right now.. I would regret every moment that hadn't been the way I wish it always could have been. I feel that way now actually.. I guess we will have to accept the reality that Miss U hasn't yet learned the lesson life has to teach her yet. She still has some growing up to do. The anger, the disdain that i felt towards her has melted almost completely away.. It's beginning to be replaced with the feeling of pure sadness and helplessness.. I really wish sometimes that she could have taken better care of herself. Then maybe, just maybe she could have raised me to be a good woman. But those chances are slim to none. I try so hard to face the fact that I wish things could have been better. I try, but that unnaturally filled void reminds me that I am raised by Super Woman.. A woman that practically saved me from continuing a bottomless cycle that haunts me.It shies me away from the great gifts women bring into this world. I'm so afraid of messing up,I reject it all together. I wish I didn't give Miss U so much credit over my unlived future.. It's just such a visible, almost tangible possibility.