Mmm.. Just Because.

I haven't been here in such a long time, but the feeling is still familiar to me. But anyway, I wanted to simply tell Betsy Elena how much I appreciate your attentive nature and genuine care for me when I am not my greatest. I know I am hesitant to tell you what may be traveling through my mind at times but I am always doing my best to muster up the strength and courage to get it out. Ah.. I can't tell you enough, but I am one of the luckiest women on earth and honored at that to be welcomed and received with open arms into your life. I find it strange that out of the 6 years I've known you, I've let you see me cry only once. But the one time I came over in tears, you know that it was one of the hardest truths I was trying my best to grasp. I appreciate you for teaching me one of the greatest lessons--you already know how much I love to quote you. And to tell you the truth, it has comforted me in more ways than one, in more than one context. Thank you for telling me that "there are years that ask questions, and there are years that answer them." It gives me patience and wipes away the anxiety filled tears down my face. I acknowledge that I am difficult to talk to or comfort at times but I appreciate that you never give up on me. I feel that I can't say enough to illustrate the impact you've had on my growth as a woman. Thank you for growing up with me, even when it was from a distance. So know that you are always someone that I look up to. I strive to embody your compassion and relentless efforts to love the unlovable. In your 20 years of living, you have wisdom beyond measure and I can't wait to watch you blossom even more.

Walk With Me...

Where the fog holds all of our secrets

Where the scrape of your pants against the pavement

Become a constant reminder that you are right beside me

On this path, into the abyss

The fog whispers our words into the distance

And releases our sorrows

There is no fear

Just haze, looming above a line less night sky

No face in front of me

No soul behind you

Just you

Beside me

Me

Within you

I can't see too far in front of me

I'm leaving everything else behind me

Only once I glance

To know that I will not miss any of it

My grip on your sleeve

Loosening and tightening with each switch of my foot

Where we go

We do not know, but

As long as I can hear your

Presence, and feel your

Essence

My secret soul will be at peace

Walking with you

Breathing in you

Being me

In you

The dew on our skin

Dripping from the limp leaves

Saturates our color

We bleed into the city

We become our city

Take me in your hands and never let me go

Put your heart here

Or there and I'll carry it wherever I go

Come here...

And just walk with me

She Told Me There is Always Time Around the Clock... So I Let the Clocks Melt with Time.

I used to call you Ms. Unforgivable. I used to call you that because I didn't believe that I had the capacity to forgive you. I've grown up a bit Mom. I have this feeling of relief that I'm proud of. You put a smile on my face more than ever before and I'm grateful for all of the people that have helped me get to the place that I am in today. Thank you for loving me even when I convinced myself that I didn't love you. I hope that I can always make you proud. You were the only person that I ever wanted to understand me and accept me for being different. Maybe you don't understand me completely but I'm content with your efforts. I try to understand you too, as a mother, as a woman. Regardless of how I felt before, you have helped me become the woman I am today. The times weren't always easy or comforting but if I had to do it again I wouldn't ask to have it any other way. I'm enjoying getting to know you as the woman you are today. Thank you for forgiving me too.

Tracing Patterns in the Maze of Your Back.. Softly, Softly the Goose Bumps Like That.

I ran my fingers through the sand and felt you were with me, as if I was running my fingers across your skin and through your hair. I heard you whisper my name through the waves and you hushed me to sleep. Though it was gently and quiet, there was an urgency in your voice that took me quickly into our secret place. I knew that you sent a smooth breeze to kiss my cheek. When the waves became silent, I opened my eyes just to see if you were still breathing. Soon after another rush of the ocean came back to me and I still felt you there. I fell gently into sleep and you caught me to rest my head against your pillow. You made sure my sleep was sweet and even though it only lasted a moment, it felt as if I was there with you forever. My black skies were inviting me once more into your domain so I stayed there as long as time allowed me to. The ocean in the air left your scent on my skin. Bonne nuit chérie she tells me. You have to go to sleep so we can meet again.

My Voice a Beacon in the Night, My Words Will Be Your Light to Carry You to Me.

It was a familiar ache in my body when I would think of all of the simple things that I would love to enjoy with you. Now, the simple things that we share make my heart flutter and makes my breath leave my body. I adore you. I meet you in a different world at the peak of our black nights and bright mornings with our silent breathing bodies. Whether I have tears in my eyes from sadness or hysterical laughter, you are the first person I reach for. You surround me and dwell in the center of my chest. I love your laughter and silly stories. I love the mixing scents of raindrops and traveling cigarette smoke that wrap around you with the wind. I love your train rides, especially the awkward ones and the sound of you slirping the whip cream from the bottom of your empty caramel frappachino. Hey, I even enjoy it when you sing along to all of the commercial show tunes or yell at the tv, and when you sing in the shower. But I adore your sleepy voice the most. So whenever you even try to think that I am not with you, beside you, within you, reconsider it and remember to look into your ocean infused eyes because in the glare from the light and the reflection you will see me.

I Felt All Flushed With Fever.

Tonight just turned into one of those nights. In this dark room I miss you most. I wish that you could feel me in any way possible. If you could be the heat against my skin from the sun. If you could be the gaze in my eyes. If you could be the tears falling from my eyes or the pages of the book I write in at night. If maybe you could be the blanket that keeps me warm at night. If you could feel me, there would be no need for words sometimes. For nights like these I wouldn't have to open my mouth to speak, you'd just know if my heart skipped a beat or if I stared down at my hands a second longer, what I felt like. You know my weaknesses and when they manifest. Sometimes I don't want to use words to express it, just for you to simply, secretly know. Surely enough, you inspire the words I write, the stream of consciousness that flows out of my pen. The written words feel better than the spoken ones at times. Regardless of how the feelings are expressed, I hope for your understanding. Anyway, I hope you are dreaming sweetly, a little dream of me. I'll meet you in the middle.

Missing My Girls

I'm here in a random hotel in Texas wishing I were home at the Clubhouse watching movies and laughing with my baby girls. I always wondered when I was young if my father missed me as much as I missed him when he went away on his millions of trips.

The answer is yes, of course he did. I remember thinking that going to far off cities for work was glamorous and fun. I know now that all you think about is looking at your daughters faces, hearing them laugh, and secretly checking on them while they sleep, long past the time you said you were going to bed.

Being the kind of mom I am is is always surprising. I didn't get my kids until late in life, but I know that I feel for them the type of love only a mother can. I know the world stops for them. That I'd give my everything to keep them safe.

Often times my girls will admonish me for being overprotective and telling them too much. They don't know how much I wish I could keep them safe with me always, stop their tears, clear up their confusion, and take away their hurt. They don't know that they see my secret face. The one I show only to them.

There is no place on earth I would rather be than home. I'll see you tomorrow girls.

Love,

Mommy